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matt: hello, everyone! and welcome to tonight'sepisode of critical role one-shots, where we have taken over the slot of "no survivors" this mondaythanks to the illustrious generosity of the fantastic ivan van norman. ivan: any day, you may take the slot whenever youwish, especially when i get to be a player. matt: i like it when ivan tells me it's okay forme to "take his slot." the way he says it. but yeah, so this evening we have the fantasticpleasure of running a one-shot game of pathfinder, which, for those of you who haven't played,pathfinder is a fantastic fantasy rpg, it's actually what we played for the first two years ofcritical role. and tonight we get to show a fun story that we've put together for this series ofplayers here, as well as show off the really cool

software syrinscape, which i mentioned a few timesin the show, i use it to organize a lot of the music and sound cues for critical role, we get toshow you some more of what it's capable of tonight outside of my custom settings, this is what theactual setup itself can do, which is phenomenal. so, super excited to back that. before we getstarted, let me go ahead and introduce our fantastic players for this evening. we have on thetable to my left, we have ivan, who you've already seen thus far, ivan van norman, hello. thank youfor joining us. ivan: i am happy to be here. thank you for havingme. matt: yay! we have marisha ray from criticalrole. marisha: hi, guys!

matt: and to the other table, we have taliesinjaffe from critical role. taliesin: hi! matt: and our very two special guests joining usthis evening, ashly burch-- ashly: hello! matt: and phil lamarr! phil: (deep voice) why, hi there! i'm going to usethis voice all night! for no good reason. a goblin with a large set of testicles. (laughter) matt: which, to let you guys know, tonight's gameis going to be interesting because unlike a lot of

other fantasy rpgs, tonight the whole party isgoblins. everyone are playing goblins, we'll go ahead and do some quick introductions as to whoyou're playing, starting clockwise back from how we were introduced. so, phil, who are you playingas? phil: i'm playing as browntooth the rogue. goblinrogue. sort of redundant. but it's a very large word that i learned. redundant. ivan: and someone clearly cast bull's strength onthose testicles. matt: ashly, who are you playing? ashly: i'm piglet the barbarian. matt: delightful. taliesin?

taliesin: i'm mezek the monk. matt: aw, this is going to be fun. marisha. marisha: i'm snizzler, the mad bombing alchemist! matt: oh, man. i'm already excited. and ivan. ivan: grizznak stompstork, reporting for duty.goblin fartmage, available to all of you. i am the brains of the bunch, as you can see. matt: perfect! this will be a fun adventure forthe evening. taliesin: you actually get to use the phrase,"i've smelt it, now it's time that i dealt it." ivan: stolen, it will be used.

taliesin: yeah, take it. public domain, publicdomain. i'm sorry if i already stepped on that one. matt: so we've got to go through a couple quickannouncements here and then we'll overview the game stuff. so for those watching, i want to remind youthat this thursday is critical role's 50th episode. we're having a special episode tocommemorate this, a couple of surprises that we have in store for you guys, so definitely be thereat thursday at 7:00pm pacific to check out our 50th episode. marisha, you have a new episode ofsignal boost tomorrow-- marisha: yes! episode two of hector! which isepisode six of signal boost! watch it. matt: and having already seen it, this episode hasmy favorite intro so far. i laughed for five solid minutes straight, so you'll enjoy it.

marisha: it's very funny. check it out, it's veryfunny. hector's funny. ivan: hector's the best. matt: indeed. so part of this whole event tonight,with the folks at pathfinder, paizo, and syrinscape, is in celebration of the upcominginternational tabletop day! (cheering) matt: it is happening on april 30th, we'll bedoing a whole series of great events here in the studio throughout the day so mark it on yourcalendars, get your friends together-- ivan: 24 hours of livestreaming. matt: yes! it's going to be great. it's going tobe great.

ashly: for charity, right? for a good cause? ivan: kaboom! kaboom.org, which is bringing playback into the lives of children currently living in property, (scoffs) "in property." in poverty! matt: children who have been bricked into walls!it's horrible! phil: they're stuck on estates! with nothing butponies. they need to play! ivan: they're living amongst property, land issurrounding them. no, guys, so currently kids living in poverty and they're trying to bring playback into their lives, such as things like board games, and we're actually going to be givingaway a lot of board games to kaboom.org, part of your involvement during international tabletopday, so don't miss it.

matt: and if you'd like to plug what usuallyoccupies this spot on mondays...? ivan: oh, well, if you're a critical role fan, orif you're any kind of fan, and normally you're here monday nights, then thank you for coming onmonday night again. if you're not, and this a weird timeslot for you, we still play role-playinggames on monday nights, they are just mini-campaigns instead of the epic, longbrainchild of matt mercer's amazing imagination, instead we do little one-offs, like we just gotdone playing "army of darkness" which was then created by chat, it was coined "the arby's ofdarkness," because their last stand was in the middle of an arby's restaurant which one of thecharacters managed. and officially-- marisha: that's amazing

ivan: it was pretty cool. taliesin: what meat is this? what meat is this?! ivan: the deadites actually came out through theportal at the very end of it, and they were all the busboys, and the, "i'll swallow your soul,i'll swallow your soul!" taliesin: that's every arby's i've ever been to. phil: really, it's the same thing. ivan: and the next campaign that we're going to bedoing officially/unofficially, is going to be "pugmire," which is a new game, it's basically 5thedition in a world of fantasy dogs. it's a post-apocalyptic future--

marisha: i was going to make a joke about that,and then it was the real thing, so-- ivan: it exists. it's in the future, in which allman has been wiped out and now dogs reign supreme, and they have formed a church called, "the churchof man," in which they have a code of laws, the first law being, "be a good dog." the second lawbeing, "fetch what has been left behind," and the third being, i believe it's, "bite only those whoattack you." so it's great-- ashly: i'm imagining mad max with dogs, in my mindnow. ivan: but it's fantasy, it's still fantasy. ivan: so you could be like, a pincer cleric, oryou could be a dachshund rogue or something like that. matt: that's fantastic.

ivan: so 7:00-10:00pm usually on mondays, comehang out. matt: do it. check it out, guys. it's prettyfantastic. so, another cool thing about having paizo, the folks from pathfinder here, is we havea bunch of giveaways to give out throughout the evening to all you guys in chat. marisha: like, there's a bag of stuff. i don'teven know what it is. it's exciting. taliesin: i think that's edamame. matt: first off, you guys can go topaizo.com/goblins, and store.syrinscape.com/geek to get 25% off a number of their goblin goods andstuff as part of tonight's promotional thing. go check it out, a lot of cool things there to grab.but throughout the evening we'll be giving away

small giveaways that include pathfinder corerulebook pdfs in chat, the "burnt offerings adventure" pdf, the soundset from syrinscape thataccompanies the "burnt offerings adventure," and one grand prize winner tonight will get a wholebunch of stuff that includes the core book, the monster codex, the "inner seas races," the "burntofferings," the "we be goblins" set, the goblin promo figure, the town square flip mat, goblinbank, goblin plush, a whole bunch of crazy stuff. so, big old grand prize for one of you guys outthere, so make sure you're engaging. ivan: yeah. matt: anyway. now that that's over with-- phil: woo!

matt: for tonight's game, you guys will be playinggoblins, of course. i'll go over the story here in a moment, but things to consider: part oftonight's fun is, at certain points during the story, if you roll really crappily on a roll, oryou want to get that extra action in, you're doing good and you want to get that extra attack orextra ability, each of you have constructed and have at your disposal a goblin song that is customto your character. you may choose to sing this song out loud on the stream and doing so will gainuse of that reroll or that extra action. use it sparingly, it's only once in a while, possibly aonce-a-night type circumstance. but i'm exci-- (burps) pardon, i'm excited to hear all of yourindividual songs as we progress. marisha: so excited, it gave him indigestion.

matt: it's how it's the reaction, i get nervous,guys. great. so, that being the case, let's go ahead and get this show on the road. marisha: oh my god, i'm so excited. ivan: there we go. goblin pants! marisha: also, i'm using liam's dice box becausehe's not here, and he can't stop it. ivan: liam, i'm touching your stuff, i'm touchingyour stuff. marisha: i'm going to rub my butt on it. matt: here in the sandpoint hinterlands, nestledin the western side of the devil's platter mountain range, there lies the bird-cruncher tribeof rather rambunctious goblins known for their

deft trapping skills, having earned their name andthe majority of their food supply by snaring wild birds and eating them raw. you five have grown uptogether here among the caves and cliffs over the past six years, outliving many of your otherbrethren, making you tough. although most of you were the runts, discarded as weak and useless, youwere all taken in and raised within your cages, which is how most goblins are raised, by thesagely guffeye. ivan: guffeye. matt: an ancient goblin oracle of nearly 30years of age, who enjoyed the idea of having her own troop of personal guardians, she shouts thatshe is touched by the sight of zogmugot, lady last-breath and the goblin hero-god of flotsam andscavenging, though many of her visions have led to

grave misfortune and her favor within the tribe haswaned. but you guys believe her! mostly. ivan: zogmugot looks favorably upon our lovelyguffeye. matt: this cold, overcast autumn morning rolls in,and the five of you are returning from a morning snare run, when you hear the sound of cracklingshouts from old guffeye's crag porch. "come! come! "the dream! the sight! come!" and she darts back into her little cavehole. ivan: guffeye has another dream! you know whatthat means! phil: someone's going to lose a hand. marisha: usually this means she's been drinking, ijust want to point that out.

ivan: well, let's go see what the old windbag's upto, because you know it's going to involve us probably dying. phil: probably. marisha: let's go! matt: entering her home, the familiar smell ofpungent spices and rotting wood hits your nose, and this hoarder hole of a home is crammed to thebrim with driftwood, molded leather, metal scraps, torn hides, broken pottery, all sorts of otherbeautiful pieces of junk. ivan: it's amazing. matt: nostalgia comes over you as you glance atthe empty iron cages you once grew up in, now

partially buried and filled with wet wool. as youguys enter, old guffeye steps onto a small box and turns, her snow-blind eyes clouded and bulgingabove her toothy grin: "my runts! the lady gifts "guffeye. the wait is broken! i have a vision oncemore. a thing, a great thing was shown to guffeye, "in both these eyes: a stone of crack and thoom! arock that barks like the storm! this rock, this "stone, guffeye must have! this guffeye must get!you! you must get this stone, bring it to me, for "the lady's blessing." ashly: guffeye, if i give it to you first will youlike me the best? matt: "i already like you the best--" ashly: yes!

matt: "--but i will like you twice best." ashly: oh my god. ivan: guffeye, as your esteemed and mostintellectual advisor, i have to ask: where did the lady bestow this vision upon you that we may findthe barking rock? matt: "well, i awoke this morning, envisioningjust how much more i like piglet than the rest of you--" ivan: but i just got done scrubbing all of yoursores last night! matt: "silence!" ashly: sorry, guffeye. matt: "upon brewing my morning thatch tea, thevision struck my face! i dropped it, it shattered,

"in a beautiful clattering of broken pottery, and isaw before me a reminder that today is a special "day. the sun. the sun rise highest in the sky!today is the day of the human festival in "sandpoint-- filthy, stupid human festival! thelady showed me a man. a man in blue, blue "everywhere, in robes, a church man." (spits) (spitting) matt: "his name was zaan-- hold on." all: zaan? matt: "zaan-- zantos." all: zantos!

matt: "guffeye saw the people around the churchmanat this festival-- the churchman has the storm "rock on him!" ivan: ooh, storm rock. matt: "so. go to this sandpoint. go to this humanfestival. find this blue-skinned, blue-robed "church-man and take the stone for guffeye, yes?" ashly: that sounds pretty easy, like nothing badwill happen? ivan: easy! exactly! we got this! matt: "the lady also showed me: other goblinsknow." marisha: what?!

matt: "stupid, stupid seven-tooth tribe also wantsstone, going to city now!" ivan: why would the lady show them the bluestone? taliesin: four tooth too many, that's-- ivan: seven tooth too much, two tooth is besttooth! marisha: i agree, i agree. ivan: two tooth is best tooth. matt: "you go. sneak in! find churchman! takestorm rock before seven-tooth dumb-dumbs! bring "back to guffeye, get blessing-- and good meal,promise." phil: oh, well, if there's food--

taliesin: and drink. marisha: yeah! only with a good meal and a drink!you got it? matt: "this i can provide." ashly: and dessert? marisha: yeah! matt: "piglet, you're now second most favorite." ashly: (wailing) no! i didn't mean it! i don'twant dessert! phil: greed diminishes you. ashly: (crying)

matt: "bring me stone, become first favorite!" ashly: okay, okay. matt: "now go! time is wasting!" ivan: (singing) blue stone, blue stone, we willget it all! blue stone, blue stone, then we'll eat them all! stupid seven-tooth is going to burn andburn and die! burn them all, burn burn, burn and burn and die. yay! matt: (laughs) as you guys exit the cavern, you goto your various hidey-holes, gather all your materials, your weaponry, whatever things youthink you may require on this journey. you know that the direction is northwest, past theravenroost mountain pass, towards this town of

sandpoint, and that is where your path lies. theclouds begin to gather overhead at this point in time. ivan: ooh. best weather for scavenging! phil: nice and clammy. ivan: they won't even see us coming! because we'regoblins. matt: a gentle rain slowly begins to hit down fromthe sky above. ivan: how long is it going to take for us to getto sandpoint? matt: depends on who's the best leader to findtheir way there. i guess-- ivan: grizznak is best leader! ashly: i am best leader!

ivan: grizznak is smarter! phil: which way do your feet point? marisha: whoever said you were the smartest? ivan: because i am the wizard, and the wizard isalways the smartest! this is simple goblin logic! marisha: that is pretty good logic. i agree withthat. ashly: but i have a big hammer! ivan: but you are-- look-- taliesin: she does have a big hammer, she has avery fair point. ivan: guffeye already tells you that you are themost elite of guffeye. so we don't want to soil

poor piglet into having you out at front, best tolet snizzler and grizznak lead the way. taliesin: you're the most complete, you heard him,that's absolutely true. marisha: i agree with that, yeah. you don't wantto tarnish your beautiful, shining reputation. ashly: you're right. she would be so sad if idied. taliesin: tarnish the, tarnish the handle of the--yeah, it's-- ashly: yeah, that's true. she wouldn't care if youguys died, but if i died she'd probably be sad. marisha: exactly, exactly! phil: besides, whoever is in front is most likelyto be shot in the face with something. marisha: right, so, naturally, we're better tolead. am i right, grizz?

ivan: yeah, you got it snizzler. grizz'n'snizz,all the way! marisha: grizz'n'snizz! ivan: so i'm assuming i'm going to make somenavigation-- matt: i would like for you to make a survivalcheck, as the leader of his group. ivan: haha, yes, leader! marisha: grizz or snizz? matt: well, whoever one is leading. marisha: well, he's leading. ivan: i'm clearly the most intelligent goblin inthis troupe.

marisha: oh boy, you're so smart. ashly: do i smell mutiny already? phil: i think i smell lunch. ivan: but i think, i don't know if i want to burnmy song already. marisha: look, grizz, look. i'm really good atbuilding things, so naturally i know how to survive better. ivan: you did make the best lean-to. marisha: i did, i did, in the boy scouts. ivan: we went to juvie together.

marisha: we did. good times. can i try? matt: well, we'll say you let (laughs) you let himlead for a while. marisha: all right. matt: as you start heading northwest, as you beginto pass the south part of the ravenroost mountain pass, you're led into a relatively thick patch ofvery, very painful bramble thicket chunk. ivan: underbrush is the best! ashly: i'm beginning to regret rescinding my offerto be the leader! ivan: everyone knows-- goblins know that the mostpainful path is usually the right path! matt: and the most painful path does manage todeal two points of damage to all of you as across

your flesh being dragged through the bramblethicket. marsiha: that's only your own self-loathing,grizz, jesus! ow! ashly: i could use a writing utensil. ivan: oh, that hurts. matt: until eventually snizzler decides to rise upin frustration and take over the leader position. marisha: jeez, all right, come on. let me see. ivan: here, take dick bone, that is the leaderstaff. marisha: all right, thank you. we got it from anold badger. matt: go ahead and make your survival check.

ivan: i swear this is best. ashly: oh no. that's not a good reaction. matt: so? marisha: i rolled a natural one. taliesin: and they were never seen or heard fromagain. game over! matt: well done! ivan: we're running the best goblin scenario everright now. marisha: are they going to make it out of thebrush? taliesin: like brownies and willow, man, we'redone for.

matt: wading deeper and deeper into the bramblethicket, now under the guidance of snizzler. marisha: look, it's just about finding the flow. phil: the flow is up my buttocks! matt: you all take an additional one point ofpiercing damage as you're scratching your way through. ivan: it hurt! guys, guys, i don't know, but ithink i have one more rash that i didn't have previously somewhere. marisha: oh, jeez, there's poison oak everywhere! matt: the rain intensifies, starting to echothrough the mountain ranges in the distance, the

storm appears to be getting relatively stronger.however, during this travel the rain that is washing down the side of the mountain does leadyou to a position of the thicket that isn't quite so heavy, and eventually you guys make your wayoutside of the immediate physical danger of the terrain. phil: congratulations. taliesin: there's got to be some cover aroundhere. marisha: i think we're further than we started. ivan: see, at least we're not at the caveanymore. ashly: piglet doesn't like lightning. can we gosomewhere where there's no lightning?

marisha: okay. ivan: well, are we close to a tree? because treesare really good to have cover under lightning, i'm told. ashly: i wasn't sure whether or not you were thesmartest, but that's the best logic i've heard all day. marisha: i agree! i agree! you kill it every time,grizz! ivan: that's why i'm the wizard! (singing) that'swhy they call me the greatest! marisha: you always did read the most. phil: you call you the greatest. no one else callsyou that! ivan: well, grizznak is the greatest. matt: at which point, a large bolt of lightninghits a tree maybe about 20 feet off from

you, sending sparks flying, the tree bursts intoflames and tumbles onto the ground. i need-- marisha: holy shit! did you see that, dude?! ivan: look! look! zarongel smiles upon us! see,he's lit our way! ashly: you said that lightning didn't like trees! marisha: that was rad, bro! oh yeah! ashly: i don't know about these guys... ivan: so, with no cover and nothing around it ihave a feeling maybe we should make a mad dash for either caves or potentially sandpoint. we're notanywhere close to sandpoint-- matt: you've done a few loops in the area--

ashly: we've been looping?! matt: did anybody else want to try and lead thisexpedition? taliesin: did you want to go which way-- no, iknow which way! i'm going to go! and i'm going to walk in a direction. follow me! matt: all right, mezek. marisha: i love family outings. taliesin: what am i rolling? i just rolled, whatdo i add to it? ivan: survival. taliesin: survival? where is survival? 19!

matt: all right. ashly: finally. ivan: don't screw this up. matt: and with this, mezek, for as far as goblinfranticness is concerned, manages to medicate himself with various alcohols to a state ofconcentration, pushes forward deeper into the forest, against your better judgement. but indoing so, stays out from the rainfall, manages to avoid a lot of the lightning storm which is nowblowing over the southern portion of the mountain range and leads you guys, over the next couplehours, through a bit of a muddy, sloshy forest terrain towards the outskirts of the actual town.

ivan: is it still night, or is it still-- matt: oh no, it's about mid-day now, it'spushing-- you're pushing into, like, the early afternoon at this point. you've lost a few hourson your journey. taliesin: there! i only take about two hours ofresponsibility today, and i'm done! it's someone else's problem now! phil: i will lead, now that i can see where i'mgoing! ivan: hey, let's do the circle thing again! thatwas fun! marisha: that was fun, like a game. taliesin: was that fun? because i've experienced whati thought was fun before, and it was nothing like that!

phil: most of my fun does not hurt quite so much. ivan: as they say, "no pain, no gain!" phil: i don't like the ones who say that. matt: all right, guys-- ivan: as they say, "no pain, no shame." phil: i think they just like to rhyme. matt: following mezek's path, you eventually makeyour way through the forest, alongside the southern side of the lost coast road, coming uponthe edge of the trees, to the tyrandarock river. it surrounds the town of sandpoint itself andencompasses it. it's a port town that's set on the

ocean, and this river surrounds the outskirts ofit. so you find the edge. you hit the muddy banks of this river, and looking across you can see nowthe actual city proper. phil: browntooth is very into city planning sothis is very interesting. ivan: i'm into city burning. that's my favorite. marisha: especially if they're human cities. phil: yes! ivan: burning, burning. so, i think because mysurvival ability is so amazing, i'd like to propose that i try to fashion some sort offlotsam, with zarongel's guidance, i would like to try to take some flotsam and make some type offloaty-pushy thing, that we might wade the wiver--

wade the river. ashly: "wade the wiver"? ivan: wade the wiver! to get across to the city.not even bothering to look for a bridge. matt: sure. marisha: you know we don't use no dirty human-madecontraptions. ashly: wait, wait, wait, why don't we just swim?! marisha: no, no, no, look: the snizz can do a lotof things. the snizz does not swim. not very confident in my swimming abilities. phil: i'm not sure the snizz can do a lot of things!

(thunder) ivan: oh, zarongel smiles on us again, yay. matt: as you guys glance from the flash-- ivan: smite another tree, zarongel! sorry. matt: it's okay. you see the bolt of lightningstrike a distant watchtower on the far side of the city that has a rod specifically to pull thesetypes of things out of the way. ivan: stupid idea. matt: glancing over, i'll have you guys roll aperception check if you could. everybody go ahead and roll perception.

ivan: solid 17. ashly: 17. phil: ten. taliesin: natural one! matt: marisha? marisha: ten. ivan: 17. matt: all right, so we got two 17s here, from you guys.al right, so as you guys are glancing about, you can see the city before you and it generally losesmost interest to all of you, especially mezek,

who, while your direction sense has been greattoday, once you get to the actual location of your intent, you've lost all interest and you'replaying in the mud. the thick clay on the side of the river smeared on your face. ivan: i want to kick any sculptures that he makesout of mud. matt: okay. phil: make sure it's mud! ivan: whatcha going to do about it, mezek, whatchagoing to do about it? taliesin: wait 'til you're asleep. matt: now you're not sure if it was mud because itspooked you a little. so, the two of you glance

over and you can see there are two bridges thatlead to the city itself that go over, but both of them look extremely heavily guarded. you have twopasses of three sets of guards that walk back and forth, armed with crossbows. you guys do-- as themidday rain is still pouring down and it's causing the surface of the river to spatter, you can seethere's a little bit of what would have been a morning marine fog that's been burning offsince it went out there so it's no longer really at your disposal. however, you two do notice,right across the river against the bank before it rises up to the top of the city itself, you see,barely visible, the outside of a metal grate. some sort of a subterranean sewer or tunnel system thatis sealed shut across the way. it's a good, say, 80 to 100 feet across that river right now and itdoes have quite the current to it, probably

because the rain's been pouring for most of themorning. ivan: goblins plus sewers equals awesome. matt: smart one here, doing the math. ivan: yes. so we have to wade the river in orderto get to the grate? matt: what do you want to do to get there? it's upto you guys. ashly: do we have to go to the grate? matt: you don't have to. ashly: i don't like lightning, and i really wantto use my hammer. as a result. those two things are connected, don't question.

phil: can you swim with your hammer? ashly: i just want to smash the dudes guarding thebridge. phil: are there guards on both bridges? are thereguards on both bridges? matt: yes. ivan: look, i think, just putting it out there,that grate is really, really good because there's no people in there. and humans are dumb-dumbs. ashly: are you not goblins?! do you not likesmashing humans' skulls?! ivan: i like, pewpewpew human's skulls. i don'tlike to get in all up in the face thing, piglet. ashly: i think he's a coward!

ivan: how dare you call grizznak the great acoward! and i want to-- i don't have magic mouth-- i want to grease her. i want to cover her ingrease. phil: who doesn't? taliesin: this got weird quick. all right. ashly: do i roll to not get greased? phil: we dive in the brambles and then begin togrease each other. matt: it has started. the game has indeedstarted. ivan: "i will show you true power!" as greasespurts out from my hand. ashly: i will roll against grease.

matt: yes, for you, i need you to make a reflexsaving throw. so go ahead and roll a d20 and add your reflex. ashly: 19, i will have you know. plus my reflex. taliesin: there's a little box right there. ashly: oh, five. matt: you rolled a 19? ashly: 19 plus five. phil: yeah, she rolled a 19. matt: you go and (raspberry noise) begin to spewgrease from the outside of your goblin staff--

piglet, however, a little ball of anger andmuscular rage, instead darts out of the way, slamming into the side of the sandbank that youare currently playing in the mud and clay with, causing that to collapse partially onto you. youare now partially buried under the clay. and what little bit of your head is pointing out is nowbeing sprayed with grease. taliesin: (sputters, coughs) ivan: oh, sorry. that was meant for piglet. okay.high five! all is forgiven. phil: i say we do the opposite of whatever hewants to do. ashly: so we're going to get the humans! we'regoing to smash 'em with hammers and other sharp-- taliesin: we're supposed to be stealthy, can we doit and be stealthy?

ivan: i think stealth is better. taliesin: is there a way to smash humans withstealth? phil: how many guards are there? matt: looking, there's about six to each bridgethat you can see. ashly: can i tell if it's more advantageous forany reason to go through the bridge versus the sewer? ivan: combat. matt: it's hard to say. a town full of people--make an intelligence check. go ahead and roll a d20.

ashly: this is not going to go well! ivan: roll for comedy. ashly: one! matt: natural one. what? ashly: ten. ten altogether. matt: ten altogether? okay. so you know humans.you know them pretty well. and they're tall, but they're pretty weak. there's a lot of them onthese bridges. that's a lot of really, really weak things. conversely, in the sewer, who knows what'sin there? there's filth, there's scavenging pieces, and possibly dirty humans. so it's up toyou. do you want to go out in a delightful goblin

blaze of glory? or do you want to go out in adelightfully messy goblin blaze of glory? ashly: the disembodied voice makes a good point,let's go in the sewer. phil: right! let's drown rather than be stabbed! marisha: how are we going to cross? ivan: drowning is the way zarongel would want usto go out. phil: i thought you were going to build us someflotsam-floaty-flotsam. marisha: i'm really nervous about water. i likeburning things. ashly: i can carry you, i'm strong. taliesin: i want to look around and see if there'sanything to add to this flotsam pile.

matt: sure, make a survival check. ivan: can snizzler and mezek help me to-- marisha: build a rough raft. ivan: yeah, to build a rough raft. taliesin: seven. marisha: i roll as well. marisha. what am i adding here? don't i have good stuff for tinkering? ivan: do you want to tinker? i think this issurvival. marisha: oh, survival. ten. but he rolled prettygood.

matt: okay, it takes you guys the better part ofabout 30 minutes or so as you find things in the nearby edge of the woods. you start pulling up thebits of clay and sand that you were buried under as something caught your foot, and it was a bitpointy but you found a chunk of driftwood that looks to have made its way there. i would like you allto make a stealth check, as you are now having to dart in and out of the forest to find material. ashly: 18 plus 14. phil: three plus 20. matt: plus 20?! goblins! oh my god. taliesin: 36. damn!

marisha: 32. ivan: 33. matt: okay! you guys deftly, running back andforth along the bank of river, grabbing what you can out of the sand and the dirt,apparently entirely unnoticed as there even is a series of guards that come by, four of them, thatjust walk on past. one of them you swear stared into the forest right at you and went-- marisha: be garden gnomes you guys, gardengnomes! matt: "hey, steven! did you leave some gnomes outhere? stupid gnomes." and they keep on walking past.

marisha: haha, garden gnome act gets 'em everytime! heh, heh, heh. matt: "wait, i want some garden gnomes!" and hecomes back in. "nah, they look filthy. all green. "from the mold. stupid garden gnomes." and he keepsgoing. ivan: he's the first one that's going to getpew-pewed. marisha: i agree. boom-boom! heh. ivan: boom-boom, pew-pew. taliesin: two arms, two legs, one head, we'll findhim at the end. ivan: i've got his face. i've got his beady face. matt: so you've crafted this "raft". it's less ofa raft and more of a pool noodle buoy thing.

ivan: yes! yes, let's all get on a pool noodlewhich is basically a giant branch. phil: that's the first smart thing you've said allday! matt: this is less like tom hanks in castaway,more gollum in the river. you guys are having to hold on and move across. however, as you push itinto the water, it is buoyant and it does seem to carry you. the current does tend to push it, soyou guys are going to have to guide it across the current. if i could have you all make a swimcheck. marisha: oh, i'm so bad at this! i'm really notthe best swimmer, you guys. ashly: 11. marisha: oh boy, this is so bad!

matt: five? phil: 12. taliesin: 21. marisha: four. i have a fear of swimming. phil: sorry, 17. matt: 17, okay. so you guys are pushing along. thethree of you are back to back, feels like goblin power, getting in there. phil: oh, i swallowed a fish! (cough) taliesin: share! share!

matt: you glance over your shoulder and see thetwo of them going, (yelling). ivan and marisha: (yelling) marisha: i hate water! phil: our fearless leaders! ashly: that feels perfectly appropriate. matt: as part of the screaming echoes out, youhear someone in the distance go, "d'you hear that?" ashly: shut up! shut up! ivan: (screams quietly)

marisha: (hyperventilates quietly) matt: okay. you guys stop moving and the currentcarries you, and you slowly begin to rotate in the water and you're being rained on in the face. andyou see a couple guards look as you drift under the bridge on the far left side of where youentered and they look down and go, "man, they'll "throw away anything these days. perfectly goodpiece of wood." as it drifts under the bridge, you guys have a moment to go ahead and try and push toshore. go ahead and roll swim checks again. marisha: i'm so afraid. ivan: better. taliesin: 16.

ivan: 20. marisha: negative one. matt: haha! it's okay. phil: what, are you made of lead?! marisha: i have a negative four swim, i justwant to point that out. (cries) matt: so as you're pushing there, you're makingheadway, except for the fact that snizzler is going like, (yelling) and pushing your headsunder, trying to climb out of the water. ivan: stop it! stop! stop it! ashly: i say we kill her. we cut our losses? what?am i right?

phil: let's just knock her out, we'll need someoneto carry all of her stuff. ashly: i can carry it! i'm strong! matt: as the splashing and chaos hits, you guys(impact noise) hit the sandbank on the other side of the river. you have managed to cross itprimarily. marisha: snizzler vomits. as soon as he hits land(vomit noises). taliesin: i want to go through the vomit to see ifthere's anything interesting in there. ivan: i was going to say i'm-- i fight to get tothe vomit. taliesin: yeah we'll fight, we'll fight. ivan: we'll fight for the vomit.

matt: i want both of you guys to roll initiativeto see who gets to the vomit first. ivan: fuck! taliesin: what's-- oh. 11. matt: what did you get? ivan: i got 11! matt: you guys both-- phil: conk! taliesin: (cackling) (raspberry noise) matt: and with that, mezek grabs a hand scoop upof this crusted sand--

taliesin: i have a jug. matt: puts it in the jug. closes it off. taliesin: i'll go through it later. ivan: being a goblin is amazing. matt: at which point you hear another voice say,"did you hear laughing? i'm going to go check." and you hear a number of footsteps coming yourway. ivan: i'm going to cast ghost sound. ivan: to see if i can distract them away. matt: what kind of sound are you producing?

ivan: i'm going to produce a righteousmerriment-making sound. matt: on the direction of...? ivan: it sounds like drunken storytelling. matt: okay. so, at this point you guys watch asgrizznak spins around, points his staff forward, and quite a ways away you hear this boisterous(indistinct drunk storytelling) start blasting from the opposite side of the bridge, up near therocks that begin to meet the base of the city's foundation. the footsteps shift and youhear them going across the wood planks above you on the bridge, in the direction that he set. nowis your time to go ahead and dart for the grate on the outside of the sewer. go ahead and rollstealth checks, all you guys.

ivan: stealth checks? taliesin: that's leaning. ashly: 23. matt: 23? phil: 40. matt: jesus! you vanish from time and space! taliesin: he folds to be one-dimensional. matt: you have a fifth-dimensional goblin on yourteam now. taliesin: 31.

marisha: 19. ivan: 22. matt: okay. you guys, darting through the rain,using the edge of the rocky-- phil: what took you so long? matt: you get to the grate, and there is indeedbrowntooth sitting there picking his teeth with one of his blades. taliesin: how did he do that? ashly: what i don't-- you were just-- and then-- phil: sometimes it pays to be quiet.

ashly: i think we all learned a valuable lesson. phil: now who's going to rip off this grate? ashly: me!! phil: oh, god! matt: piglet, go ahead and make a strength check.roll and add your strength modifier. ashly: (laughing) 25. matt: 25! with one hand, piglet, holding the hammerin one hand, grabs the grate, spins it in place, sending rust and metal sparks, and throws itbehind her, (sploosh). ashly: and i go like this.

phil: again, i would like to mention about thebeing quiet part. ivan: i take a moment to absorb all of thatamazing that happened right there. ashly: you're welcome, you're welcome. ivan: yeah, grizznak, not being the strongest ofthe bunch, is easily swayed by intense feats of strength. oh, my! phil: grizznak, you look like you want to greaseher again in a whole new way! ivan: wishes he had another grease spell prepared!woo! okay. matt: at which point you hear the howl of distantwind and the droplets of condensation within the depths of this sewage system beckoning to you asan entry portal to this city. secretly, privately,

and hopefully to wherever this festival ishappening where you can gather this "storm rock." ivan: smells just like home. phil: yes, moldy and clammy. ivan: yay. hey, do you remember when we were injuvie and they threw us down in the "lock box"? for like a month? marisha: oh, dude, and we got so blazed. ivan: we got so blazed! marisha: that was so good, man. ivan: yeah, this reminds me of that.

marisha: yeah, yeah, i agree. ashly: i feel excluded. ashly: remember when i ripped the grate off of thething? phil: oh, those were the days. taliesin: when did that happen? i don't rememberthat. ivan: i think we're all going to want to sneak-- phil: let's go inside. ivan: sneak around inside. taliesin: i want to keep my eyes peeled forthings that might be useful or that can contain alcohol.

matt: okay. good to know. you guys step your wayinside the sewer. the slick stone structure of it has lots of residue buildup from various mineralsthat have come through, as well as various degrees of wastewater that have found their way to theriver. the smell is horrible for anyone but you guys. it's a familiar scent. as you make your wayinside-- i'd say about 100 feet in as you're going through the darkness here-- but you guys can seefine in the dark, this is goblin speciality. ivan: darkvision, guys. phil: i check to see if there are any insects thatare tasty-looking. matt: go ahead and make a perception check. phil: 21.

matt: all right. glancing about, you do see acluster of some sort of an egg sac that is pushed up into the corner along the curved rotation of thisduct. it's roughly the size of a large melon. and it twitches-- ivan: i will burn it with flare. ashly: don't burn it, we're going to eat it! matt: as you're looking up at it, (fwoosh) itbursts into flames. ashly: what the heck!! phil: who burns food?! ivan: roasted spiders are best spiders. see, youguys aren't smart, so you don't know that burning

spiders makes them that much tastier. ashly: are there spiders left to eat? matt: you go and glance and the slight tiny seriesof squeaks you hear as the hundreds of tiny spider young have burned to their end. there is a nicewaft of cooked scent that hits your nose. and the rumbling in your tummy takes over, as you guys allleap in at once, grabbing small chunks of what you can. marisha: this is the best, when it's crispy on theoutside but gooey on the inside. phil: i wish there was tartar sauce. taliesin: "oh wait!" i open up the jar-- (horrified laughter)

taliesin: smear some on his spider chunk. phil: close enough! ivan: did you season our birds spider eggletteswith vomit? ashly: don't knock it. this is the good shit. ivan: i burned it for you! taliesin: i won it fair and square! ivan: i'm going to cast arcane mark on the side ofthis wall and mark that we were here. particularly, "grizznak the greatest was here," iswhat i'm going to mark. but it really looks like a giant butt with like a cloud--

taliesin: i was about to say, can you read andwrite? phil: no words? ivan: no, no words. the symbol for "grizznak thegreatest" is a goblin with two cheeky farts and a cloud coming out of it. taliesin: i was imagining a goblin dick-butt. ivan: that is the mark of grizznak the great. phil: a goblin dick looks like a human dick, butwith spurs. taliesin: oh, god! oh! thank you, thank you. matt: we learned a very valuable lesson thisevening.

ivan: of goblin physiology. phil: that's how you know it's love. taliesin: no! matt: tumblr, get on that. taliesin: oh, god. too late. moving on. phil: i can't unsee it in my mind! taliesin: you won't have to, you'll go on the internet inabout an hour, and it'll be there. there's nothing that can be done anymore. matt: you did this, phil. you did this.

taliesin: we're not kidding. we're not evenkidding a little. ivan: oh, all right. grizznak the great has lefthis arcane mark. a goblin dick-butt. matt: progressing forward for the next couplehundred feet into this slick sewer, making your way along embankments where bits of clutter,broken sticks, chunks of wayward stone and mortar pieces that have washed down here have built thesesmall half-walls of junk that have mucked up the side. marisha: snizzler takes a firecracker that he hasand secretly lights it and throws it behind him real fast without telling anybody. matt: okay. you guys walk forward until(explosion) you all glance over your shoulder real fast-- taliesin: i attack.

matt: go ahead and roll an attack. taliesin: thank you. ivan: "i attack the darkness!" taliesin: 14. matt: 14, okay. you turn around real fast as apiece of rock that is set loose from this small firecracker explosion, whips through the air andyou punch it with your fist. go ahead and roll damage. ivan: i forgot he's a goblin monk. he punchesthings. taliesin: that's five.

matt: with that, you turn this piece of mildewed,slimy, sewage-encrusted stone to dust as it (poof) in front of you. holding your fist as it shakesthere quivering, your eyes open. any buzz you may have carried from your morning alcohol has wanedfor now and you are far more awake and conscious-- with a mild headache. ivan: guys, we're into this campaign and so farthe only thing we've defeated is a rock. this is the best goblin campaign. matt: the path does split here now and divides tothe right and left. ashly: can i roll perception? matt: to see...?

ashly: if there's anything different about them? matt: sure, go for it. ashly: 17 plus four is 21. matt: piglet, you're the instinctual tracker. mostgoblins hunt with traps, you hunt with teeth. ashly: nice. matt: so you get down and (sniffing) begin gettinginto the muck and pushing it aside. less than a visual perspective here, you can smell that thebulk of the waste that comes through here comes from the left path. that probably means morewaste, means more people. ivan: more waste, more people.

phil: so we should go away from the people... ashly: wait, what are we doing? marisha: yeah, why are we here? ivan: get the blue stone. ashly: a rock! the rock! taliesin: the cracked man with the blue stone! ashly: zachary! that's the guy, right? phil: he's in blue. he's got a rock. ivan: i remember he's in a birch. like a birchtree. right? birch.

taliesin: no, a church tree! ivan: a church tree, that's right. marisha: and we stay under trees when there'slightning. that's what you're thinking of. ivan: right. that's right, because zarongel likesto smite trees. phil: do we go to the poop, or away from thepoop? all: to the poop!! ivan: to the poop! so we go down the left channel. matt: all right, so you guys-- (laughs) you chargeforward here-- ashly: wait, just to clarify, because i used myteeth, does that mean i ate

poop to find the tunnel? phil: well, i hope you saved some for the rest ofus! matt: no, you had to smear it on your teeth alittle. pushing forward, you guys travel another 80 or so feet before you come onto a large series ofwaterfalls that run into a central open cesspool area that is down below this path. the actual pathdiverts and goes around this central tunnel before it continues in a singular direction as the wateris pouring in. phil: what do we see above? matt: make a perception check. ivan: can i look as well?

phil: 25. ivan: 12. matt: okay. you look down into the cesspool andhock a loogie to see how far it goes down. (splash noise) ivan: 25 feet. taliesin: those are not supposed to be solid. phil: and deep too. what? no. matt: you glance up and you can see there is somesort of a large, heavy grating that most of the water is pouring down from. you're not quite--looks like a lot of the rainwater runoff from the

city itself. however, you do notice a glimmer fromwhat little bit of light that is bouncing through from the surface and your goblin eyes catch thislittle glimmer in the corner and you glance over and instinctually run towards it. you go aheadand take a look. phil: it's shiny. matt: you find ahefty well-made human shortsword. phil: dibs. ivan: so it's a broadsword for you. phil: are you saying i'm small? ivan: i'm saying we're all small.

phil: oh, right. matt: what did you roll? what was the total onyour perception check again? matt: 25. you take this and the blade is perfectly clean. this place is filthy. this blade is perfectly clean, and as you glance overunderneath the waterfall you see another glimmer. phil: ooh! i run and go over there. i carry thesword with me. i don't trust these two. taliesin: i see that he is. i'm approachingcautiously. ashly: i want to push everyone else away and getthere first. phil: hey wait, you can't even see it, can you? matt: both of you guys make initiative checksright now.

phil: four. taliesin: wait, you got plus six. ashly: oh wait. 15. matt: so as you see this and you glance over outof the corner of your eye, you see piglet. her eyes go wide and both of you have that immediateknowledge of "me first". you both dart off around two different sides of this cistern and startingto get there. however, piglet, you get there first and immediately leap towards this shiny. and theshiny is bigger than you expected. ivan: can i cast mage hand to see if i can snatchit from all three of them or away from the two of them?

matt: is it a five-pound maximum? ivan: five pounds, yeah. matt: you go ahead and cast mage hand towards thatshiny and pull and (grunts) it's a little heavier than you can pull. you get there and you grab onto it. what you notice as you get there is a set, a full set, of a breastplate armor. human size,giant breastplate with some shoulder pauldrons and a human ribcage on the inside of thisbreastplate. ashly: ooh! ribcage. matt: you smell it. marrow hasn't been tappedyet. ashly: can i eat it?

matt: you can. ashly: i eat it. phil: barbeque. ashly: can i wear the armor? is it too big forme? matt: it's pretty big, yeah. you could sleep init. phil: rent it out! matt: so you grab the ribcage, break off a coupleribs, start gnawing on them, sucking the marrow out. you do notice, getting there and inspecting,the ribcage is white. it is clean as well. you can see, upon close look as she is gnawing, not evenpaying attention, you see these little teeth marks

on it like rats have come through here and there.overall, the bone is perfectly clean. the armor itself is spotless, looks like it's been perfectlypolished. ashly: this marrow's real good. you guys aremissing out. marisha: pass me a rib. phil: is there any of the armor that any of us canfit? matt: you could try and pull scrap from it if youwanted to try and scavenge pieces of the metal. taliesin: if we pulled the two shoulder piecesoff, could we maybe tie them together and wear them like an eat at joe's sign? matt: could certainly try that if you want to,yes.

taliesin: i'm going to give it a roll. matt: okay. i will say for this-- you know what,go ahead and make a survival check on this to try and-- taliesin: that's funny. no, i'm down. 12. matt: 12. you manage to (grunt) for a minute, withsome help from a couple other of the goblins, pull one of the pauldrons off. you take it and-- phil: don't choke yourself! matt: based on your combat aesthetic, it's notgoing to be much of a help to you. ivan: this is-- i never thought i would hear agoblin character say this, but i can spellcraft to

check to see if it's magical at all? matt: sure. the armor? ivan: the armor. matt: yeah. go for it. ivan: i almost want to kick it into the cistern toget it dirty. i'm sorry. i don't know why i rolled because i'm doing spellcraft. yes, that'sright. 19. matt: the armor itself does not appear to have amagical essence to it. in fact, a close look-- it's pretty close to the design of armor theguards were wearing on the actual bridge itself. it's just completely polished down here in the middleof a dank sewer.

ashly: does the armor help any of the rest of us?the goblin-crafted? taliesin: i'm going to throw it at piglet. justthrow it at you. matt: it's delightful decoration. ashly: oh! ho ho ho ho! ivan: are you woody woodpecker now? i thinksomething killed-- phil: i think something is down here cleaning.we've got to get out of here! before it comes back! ivan: i don't want whatever cleaned this armor toclean off grizznak the great's fine robes. phil: it'll take the farts right out of you.

ivan: is there any way to climb up to thegrate? matt: it's about 40 feet up from you guys. thepath continues across the cistern deeper into the city. marisha: we didn't think about having to crawlback out. matt: beyond the cistern, the tunnel continuesafter it converges. phil: just keep going. matt: who's leading this expedition now? phil: i think i'm more qualified to lead but idon't like to be in front. ashly: i have the prettiest hat.

phil: piglet. i nominate you. ashly: hooray! matt: piglet, go ahead and roll perception. ashly: (singing) i forget where my perception isevery time. there it is. 19. matt: 19, okay. all righty, so as you go-- as youput your new shiny hat on and begin stepping forward across where the paths converge. you--big, knees forward, stomping steps and you put your head forward and stop as there's a distortionin the air before you. and you breathe out, "huh?" and it (wobbling noise) quivers. ivan: step aside, step aside! grizznak the greatis here.

phil: great. let's get ready to be hit bylightning. ivan: well. it looks like something wobbly, soit's probably magic. matt: you make a perception check. ivan: i'm going to percept the shit out of this marisha: "probably magic." ivan: "probably magic." 14. matt: 14. you pull her aside. there's nothingvisible in the air before you. you're wondering why she stopped, and as you step forward, you hitsomething. at which point you guys watch as you suddenly notice there is a large cube-likecreature made of some quivering gelatinous

material. as grizznak is slowly beingpulled into it. ivan: no! matt: everyone roll initiative. ivan: guys guys guys! taliesin: that's how we do it. you did very wellin that. add your initiative. marisha: oh, you found a waterbed! aw, how cool,man! oh! gelatinous cube! ivan: can i get my hands together? at all? or aremy hands-- matt: you can certainly try here. we'll see howthis works out for you. all right, so initiative

rolls here. oh man. all right, all right. soinitiative orders, we have 20 to 15. marisha: 15. ashly: i'm 19. ivan: 12! matt: what'd you get? ivan: grizznak is the best. matt: grizznak, what did you roll? taliesin: that's how long. that's how long ittook. are you happy now? are you happy? ashly: (laughs) oh! oh no! i'm worried fordick-butt.

marisha: see! if you will it, it will happen. matt: it will happen, every time. marisha: haven't you heard of the story of thelittle boy with the magical paintbrush? matt: all right, so as you watch grizznaksucked into this giant creature, you see it shifting and (squelching sounds). top of the roundis browntooth. browntooth, what do you want to do on your turn? phil: suppose i have to attack it. ivan: pull me out! pull me out! phil: can i attack him or can i kill it? allright, i hit it with my cleaver.

matt: all right, go ahead and roll for attack. phil: 16. do i add anything? taliesin: yeah, 16 plus-- phil: yes. 16 plus ten. matt: that hits. go ahead and roll damage. so you move up there. you canmove five feet and do your second attack if you want to. you're close enough that you can attackwith both. phil: oh great. two. taliesin: plus one.

phil: plus one, three. and do i do another one? taliesin: no, and then you have to do it for theother hand, which is different, so you have to roll again to hit for the second one. matt: so what's the damage on the first one? phil: three. matt: three damage. all right. taliesin: and then that's plus-- phil: five plus? plus eight. 13. matt: 13 does hit. it has a very low armor classbecause it is a giant cube,

so go ahead and roll damage. matt: nice. all right, so as you rush forwardtaking your five-foot step and attack with your first goblin cleaver, you slice through part ofits form, then slice through with your second one. as you cut each time you can see it leaves a giantopening and you cut a wedge out that (slurping noise) slops onto the ground and turns into aslowly liquefying piece of water. the section that you cut out begins to slowly reform but, however,it does lose the mass that you cut of it. so it appears to be having some sort of impact. thatfinishes your turn, browntooth. mezek, you're up. taliesin: all right. i'm going to-- matt: however, actually real fast. 'cause this ispart of the fun of it. nope, actually, you're

good. you're up, mezek. sorry, keeping track ofthe rules for the creature. i haven't used gelatinous cube in so long. ivan: i was waiting to hear, "and grizznak, youwere eaten." matt: technically, you were. taliesin: i'm going to take a deep breath.(screams) ashly: here he goes again. taliesin: and hit it with a stunning fist matt: okay. go ahead and roll for the attack. marisha: he named it himself.

phil: and your eyes are lovely. taliesin: one of them's mine. 16. matt: 16 hits. go ahead and roll damage for thefist. ivan: don't stun the goblin inside, please. taliesin: let's see. it's six points of damage.and then they have to make a fortitude save. matt: what is the save dc? matt: 14. it rolls a 14 plus-- plus nine, yeah.this cube is unaffected by your tiny goblin-- taliesin: it does go wobble, wobble, wobble. matt: it does. wob, wob, wob, wob.

ivan: you can see me as i'm shifting. marisha: cool. matt: so i'd say you moved into there. you going tostay where you are? taliesin: i'm going to take a step back and pullout my quarterstaff. now that i've had my turn. matt: okay, so you step back. it does get anattack of opportunity as you move back. its giant pseudopod shoots out towards you. ivan: it wants to stunning fist you. matt: that's a 12. what's your armor class? taliesin: touch ac? or armor class?

matt: no, this is a general one. taliesin: 18. matt: 18? yeah, as it (whoosh) out towards you,you duck low with your quick goblin reflexes. awesome, that ends your turn. piglet, what do youwant to do? ashly: i want to rage! matt: you go into a full goblin piglet rage.grabbing your oversized goblin skull-breaker hammer, go ahead and roll your attack. ivan: i've always wanted to hear a goblin saythat. ashly: oh okay, so it was 20. plus seven.

matt: 20 plus seven. that hits. go ahead and rolldamage. ashly: where's a d10? am i crazy? taliesin: do you need a d10? here. matt: also, grizznak, i need you to roll aconstitution save. sorry, a constitution base saving throw, fortitude save. ashly: so this is a d10 plus four. oh, that's apretty one. eight plus four. times three? is that what that is, or? matt: well, no. it should say, your second attackdown, is during raging. ashly: oh, i'm sorry. okay. oh, okay. so it'seight plus six then.

matt: all right, there you go. 14 points of damageas your hammer comes down. wham! hitting it, stopping an inch from the edge of grizznak's faceas he turns and watches from inside. the whole thing shakes from the impact. ashly: do i also get to bite because i'm raging? matt: you do. phil: ew. lucky you. ivan: i have so many feelings right now. some ofthem are wobbling. ashly: 19. matt: 19. that hits again. go ahead and roll foryour bite damage. as you go in and bite a chunk

out of this giant gelatinous mass like it'sdessert. ashly: d3? matt: yeah, so roll a d6 and divide by two. ashly: okay. boop. so it's a three. taliesin: that would be two. matt: yeah, so that would be two. two plus? ashly: plus three. matt: two plus three. so you do five points ofdamage. giant goblin maw bites into the side, once again near grizznak's face.

phil: she's raging. she doesn't know where she is. matt: as you pull a bit away, immediately as youpull back, the rage is in you, you don't really notice the fact that your mouth has gone tinglingand you've lost all sensation in your mouth. ashly: oh no. marisha: hey piglet! how's the jello monster? ashly: delicious. matt: as you blah, drools out. as she talks, herlips are numb. it's like blah, blah, blah. matt: it dribbles down the front of her body.yeah. your tongue and mouth aren't moving like they should. you're a goblin that got out of thedentist right now, because you took a bite out of it.

marisha: the novocaine cube. ashly: novocaine cube. that's awesome. matt: grizznak, did you roll your fortitude save? ivan: my fortitude save? no, i haven't. oh god.fortitude save. 11? matt: 11. okay. ivan: question mark? matt: okay, you are currently paralyzed for eightrounds. marisha and ashly: what?! matt: being engulfed by this entity, it's actuallycaused all of your muscles to lock up. and you

feel that same tingling sensation as you glanceover and all the little hairs that might be protruding on your body dissolve. and part of yourskin begins to peel away. ivan: i still have the last look that i had, whichis this stupid face of awe and wonder of piglet raging. and that's all that's on my face right nowas i'm paralyzed inside of the cube. matt: all right, so finishing piglet's turn, thatcomes to you, snizzler. what are you going to do? marisha: does he have any limbs or anything thatare sticking out still that are accessible? matt: no. no. he is fully engulfed by the entityright now. ashly: oh shit. marisha: where am i on the map?

matt: you are right there. by the way, this is theopening. this drops down about 20 feet and the water is pouring into that, right behind you. sobe careful where you're stepping. marisha: oh, that's good to know. okay. snizzlerruns up, takes out a pipe bomb. (clicking noise) can i shove the pipe bomb in the jello? matt: you can, if you want to. marisha: is it going to start sucking me in when ido that? taliesin: (shushes) go with it. go with it. matt: you want to go with it? so you take a stepforward, you-- marisha: i want to find the hole piglet made andaim for that.

matt: okay, so you're going to step into there. marisha: and (grunts). explosive bomb. matt: so you watch as this haphazard piece ofmetal shrapnel that's been matted together with pig feces and twine, goes (sticking noise). and isnow right in front of you as you see a little fuse going (sizzling). ivan: i can't scream because i'm paralyzed, butinside, i'm screaming. i'm screaming very loudly. marisha: and i look at grizz and i go-- matt: are you going to stay right there? marisha: and i take a few steps back. not into thehole.

matt: so it would probably be one, two, three.we'll put you there. as you do that and pull back, another giant pseudopod goes (whoosh) out towardsyou and slams into the stone next to you, but you go, huh. that's the least of your worries, rightnow. marisha: hang on one second, man. matt: as you pull back, there's an explosion soundas it bursts inside the cube. so i want you to go ahead and roll for an attack on this. just for thepurposes of this. marisha: sorry, grizz. 18. matt: 18, so yeah. this is a direct hit on thecreature. so go ahead and do your firebomb damage to the cube.

ivan: oh, how much damage is it? marisha: aw, it went into my soy sauce but i'mgoing to take it because it was a six. marisha: ten plus three plus another d4-- phil: that's what you call-- phil and taliesin: --a salt with a deadlyweapon. marisha: so 15 points of damage. matt: 15 points of fire damage as it bursts on theinside. you are paralyzed, cannot make a reflex saving throw, you take six points of fire damage frombeing in the blast radius of this thing. marisha: i was going to say, i do want to do anexplosive bomb, so direct hits catch fire, dealing

an additional 1d6 fire damage every round. matt: oh. good to know. so the actual cube is alsoon fire. due to the blast radius-- because of the size of your explosion too, because it is theten-foot, i need both of you guys to roll reflex saving throws, if you could. ashly: i think it's a 20. matt: yep, d20, and add your reflex save. phil: 16. matt: 16. it's half damage, right, for that, soboth of you take three points of fire damage, as the blast radius of this sends chunks of thiscreature sticking to the ceiling and slopping down.

phil: i have evasion. matt: you take none because you're a rogue. ivan: have i at least been blown out of the cubeor am i still inside of the cube? matt: you're like partially out of it, right now,with the blast radius. but-- ivan: so slightly exposed. matt: you're slightly exposed. it's partiallyexposed. and as you're there, going (muffled screaming), it (sucking noise, muffled screaming).closing around you slowly. all right, that finishes your turn. now it is your turn. you taketwo points of acid damage as it begins to slowly digest you from the inside.

ivan: so guys, i will probably not last anothercouple of rounds. just to be clear, so. taliesin: working on it. ivan: the skin is starting, but beyond just theburning, oh god, the burning, there is-- you can see as most of grizznak's robes have beendissolved into nothingness, and part of his goblin face is starting to peel off, revealing myimmensely beautiful crooked teeth. so, yeah. taliesin: if my parents taught me anything, it'sthat a burning sensation is nothing to worry about. you're good, you're good. matt: all right, so as you two are there right infront of it, the thing begins reforming the front of it, which is currently blown open from the bombthat snizzler left in there. it begins to shift

and slither towards both of you guys and intendingto engulf you as well. i need you both to go ahead and make reflex saving throws. marisha: oh man. ashly: no! i got seven. do i get to know what theresult would be before i use my song? ivan: you just get to reroll. matt: you don't know what the result is, but doyou want to use your song now? marisha: is that adding your reflex? ashly: i had a seven. yeah, adding my reflex. marisha: adding your reflex.

matt: what'd you get? browntooth? phil: i got a 19 plus nine. 28. matt: okay, you dart out of the way into thegroove here as it moves forward. phil: which is what i was planning to do anyway. matt: so as you duck, as it begins to shiftforward, piglet, in a moment of intensity, staring into the face of this for the first time, probablyyour entire life, you're like, i can die. what? what are you going to do? ashly: i decide, no, i'm going to live forever,and i'll sing my song. matt: all right, go for it. what's your song?

ashly: okay. i'm going to try a thing. i don'tknow if it's going to work. ashly: i'm going to try to sing my song to thetune of kiss from a rose. because that's my go-to. taliesin: you're my favorite. oh god. ashly: let's see. (sings) piglet, twitchy scratchthe rash until she sees them loud. love trash, lift the hammer down and crash. piglet angry timeto smash. sorry. matt: well done. so go ahead and reroll yourreflex. ivan: please post those lyrics at some point. ashly: i got a two again. ashly: i am going to die.

phil: i mean, it wasn't a very good song. marisha: fuck you, seal. fuck you. ashly: no! shit. matt: the creature has now engulfed both pigletand you get pulled up right next to it, jammed into the currently paralyzed grizznak. i need youto go ahead and make a fortitude saving throw. ashly: oh my. okay. it's the 20? taliesin: here. go nuts. that's the seriousbusiness die. ashly: 14. taliesin: there we go.

this is beautiful. taliesin: thank you. that's the angry die. ashly: that's the goddammit die. phil: goddammit, don't die. matt: and as you're pulled into it, trying to findyour way through, you get pulled into the thing, and you feel like that same numb sensation allacross. which, by the way, your goblin song maybe missed a few vowels because of the blahlah, butthe rest of your body begins to tingle and you begin to fight against it and your body won'tmove. marisha: no!

matt: your body's paralyzed for six rounds. phil: only six. matt: jammed up against-- however, it does takeanother d6 points of fire damage from your bomb. so go ahead and roll that if you could. marisha: four. matt: four points of fire damage. all righty. allright, that brings us back to the top, browntooth, you're up. you dodge to the side. you see itengulf-- phil: is it moving away from me? matt: it is. it moved this way and you sidestepand it's moving parallel to you.

phil: okay. i would like to get behind it andshoot my crossbow. matt: okay. so you move-- phil: because i've decided i don't want any morehand-to-hand combat. seems like a bad idea. matt: a pseudopod swings out towards you but you--it misses you entirely. as you dart backward with your crossbow loaded, you take aim and go aheadand fire. phil: this one, right? fuck. seven plus nine. 16. matt: you've heard the term "couldn't hit thebroad side of a barn"? thankfully, this creature is the size of a barn. you manage to sink the boltinto it. go ahead and roll damage. you feel a slight bit of pain at your back as a bolt nips youin the butt. but you can't do anything about it

because you're paralyzed. five points of damage.all right. you guys can see the creature's shaking and shimmering as it's moving forward. it's havinga hard time keeping its form together, it's looking really rough as it's slowly dissolvingyour two friends. marisha: burn! fire! matt: all right, that's going to go ahead andbring us to mezek. taliesin: i am going to charge it with myquarterstaff and hit it with a flurry of blows. i don't have any ki points right now, do i? matt: no because you are sober-- you require afull round action to do flurry of bros. (laughs) marisha: fury of bros? (laughs)

phil : fury of bros, (screams) yeah dude! taliesin: okay, so i can't make a movement. matt: you are two squares away from it, so inorder to get into it you would have to do a full round action. taliesin: okay, i'll take the-- i'll take a nicebig, flying swing with my stick. matt: go for it. taliesin: (goblin screech) that's 13. matt: 13 hits, go ahead and roll damage. taliesin: god damn. that's seven. seven points ofdamage.

matt: seven points of damage-- how do you want to do this? taliesin: i want to, screaming bloody murder,squish it and splash it with the stick like you were trying to hit a rat scurrying around on theground, and i don't care, once it's gone, i'm going to keep hitting them. i'm going to keepslapping and slapping until it's mush. matt: okay. you guys watch as mezek goes batshitinsane on this cube, smacks into the side, manages to hit a core of its form where some of the bonesare floating inside from previous victims. probably the shiny things you saw earlier, theperson that once wore it, bits of them are floating inside. as it begins to collapse onitself like an order of cold flan and as it

liquefies, part of it pouring into the cistern,the two of their bodies are starting to be pulled into the cistern with its form, unable to keepshape. ashly: help! help! help! taliesin: i run in and grab them! marisha: yeah, i help as well. oh, grizz! matt: okay. you guys grab them, pull them out ontothe side. the last bit of the flaming corpse of this cube sloshes into the cistern. you wait aboutanother minute or so before you both get your bodies back. marisha: i take a little goo out of his ear andi-- ah, yeah, it's got a little kick there, yeah,

you're right. ivan: i take my nose and go-- and i watch as googoes (wet noise) out of my ears. ashly: is this what being greased feels like?because i don't like it. taliesin: it's not easy-- ashly, phil and taliesin: being greased. matt: so as you're resting up from this, do youguys need to do anything to heal up a bit? ivan: if we had things in which to heal up with,but as of course-- marisha: do we get any healing surges or anythinglike that? matt: no. this is pathfinder, girl.

ivan: this is not like fourth edition. i don'tthink we have anything because i certainly didn't take it and we have no real-- taliesin: i have the healing skill, can we try anduse the healing skill to reset things? matt: sure i'll let you do that, being the monkthat you are. phil: when they say it couldn't hurt, i'm not surethey're right. taliesin: 20! matt: 20? and with that, with the various burnwounds on your body, from the acid that's burned away and parts of the actual burn damage you'vetaken from the explosion, mezek rushes in and like the roughest masseuse you've ever seen--

ivan: it's like the best shiatsu massage i've evergotten. taliesin: let go! let go! you're holding a lot oftension! ivan: ugh, that's good, that one right there. thatknot especially. phil: don't forget to breathe. matt: i'd say for that, go ahead and heal fourpoints due to the rhythmic massage of mezek's rough and tumble goblin hands. ivan: i would like to point out that you just healed methrough a goblin shiatsu massage, that was amazing. matt: yes, yep that happened.

taliesin: with vomit-based massage oil! it'sorganic! ashly: only the finest for you. ivan: i step up and i crack my back a little bitand okay. we're good to go. let's do this. taliesin: do any of my flasks or jugs have anyliquor in them? matt: no. however, make a perception check. ashly: i also have a jug, i don't know what's init. taliesin: 20. matt: 20. you have a jug, it's mainly sloshingwater and grime, your usual-- what you like to sip on the way of your journey. whatever you findalong the way. you guys are into this whole

scavenging thing. as you're thinking about this,ah, you didn't bring any alcohol, you smell alcohol. taliesin: (sniffs) happy juice. happy juice! matt: all of a sudden you guys watch as mezekdarts down the path-- ivan: follow him! he found booze, which means whenthere's booze there's stuff and a happy mezek. marisha: yeah, i like that. matt: as you dart ahead, you come to the edge, andyou can see there the path continues for another 200 feet before it dips off, but you don't knowquite where. but the scent is strong here and you look over and you can see the wall to yourimmediate right actually has a fissure in it. a

part of it has cracked or a part of it hassemi-eroded away. and you can see the very distant dark glimmer of something beyond it. taliesin: i stick my hand in and go for it. matt: go ahead and make a strength check. taliesin: that's not funny. eight. matt: eight. you go and grab the stone, youlift your whole goblin body up on it and start pulling. you guys catch up and see mezek fighting with thiswall and making no headway whatsoever. taliesin: piglet! piglet! ashly: okay, let me smash this with the hammer.

ivan: i was going to say, i'm going to grabmezek's waist and help him pull, so that we're just two goblins pulling on it now. matt: (laughs) okay, so you guys are just likedouble-pulling on it. you make a strength check as well. go ahead and roll an attack against thewall. marisha: is mezek getting in a fight with awall again? ivan: he does this, just humor him. phil: he usually loses. ashly: 17? is this plus strength? taliesin: plus strength modifier.

matt: well, go ahead and roll damage because youhit the wall. outside of a critical fail, you're fine. ashly: so should i do my normal? matt: yes, a normal d10 plus-- you're not raging,so that would be a plus four. ashly: five. matt: five points of damage. as you guys arepulling, the hammer comes down as piglet smashes into the side of this wall. the stones crumble inward andyou both go flung forward into the darkness, tumbling over each other before you both (impactnoise) against the wall, slowly slide down. as you look around, you're inside this darkened chamber.glancing around you, first off you immediately

notice that there is a heavy smell of alcohol inthis room. ivan: we're in one of those, humans call them a"ta-vern" or one-- marisha: this is one of those cel-lar. cel-lar? ivan: it's, yeah, it's where they do theirfighting at. it's basically where humans go to beat up each other. it's a goblin pit! taliesin: sounds like heaven. ashly: i've heard they also "pick up chicks".whatever that means. taliesin: baby chickens? ashly: (loudly) there are chickens here?! it'slike a "hoo-er house", right?

phil: do they eat owls, too? chickens and owls?i'm getting hungry! taliesin: baby owls! matt: which, as you guys are getting hungry, youlook around this chamber you're in, you see a sack of moldy grains, small containers of salts andspices, dried meats that are put on racks against the wall, casks and bottles of wine, and ale all throughoutthis-- taliesin: done. ale? done. going for the ale. ivan: we forgot about our mission for as long asit takes for us to eat everything in this cellar. matt: you guys go nuts! devouring everything,grabbing at meat, filling your bellies. you'd be welcome to fill your jugs with alcohol--

taliesin: i'm filling my flask and my waterskin. matt: do you clear out yourjug first, or are you just going to add to it? taliesin: no, i'm just going to add it. matt: all right, cool. ivan: does this help me at all with my current hitpoint situation? marisha: eat up, maybe? matt: for the circumstances here, you healone hit point from the food-- taliesin: we all heal one? ivan: but yeah, i will eat it all, if anything itwill allow me to feel better.

matt: i will say, if you want to go ahead and tearinto that moldy grain, that might heal you a little more, but it looks like your stomach mighthave a rough time with it. do you want to go for it? taliesin: maybe you have to have a chat with aspirit animal. ivan: i'm a god damn goblin. taliesin: nothing bad happens when you eat moldygrain. matt: you get on top of that moldy grain, you tearinto it, you destroy it-- ivan: i'm going to-- at one point i'm going to takeone of the pots and i'm going to scoop it, and i'm going to pour it over my head because i know thatmoldy grain has healing properties. and as i put

it into my mouth i'm going to rub it all over myburning sores. phil: i call you grizznak the glutinous. taliesin: i'm imagining orson welles at the end ofapocalypse now! right now, with the towel-- ivan: also arcane mark on the cellar wall, goblindickbutt, grizznak the great has been here. matt: as you go ahead and focus over on the wall,you hear this rumbling in your stomach. go ahead and roll a fortitude saving throw. ivan: yeah, i'm really good at fortitude saves,why can't i do will saves, ever? fortitude saves... shit. phil: (cackles) literally.

ivan: eight. matt: well, the good news is you heal threeadditional hit points as your goblin metabolism takes in the horrible, moldy grain. the downsideis, you then vomit up all the moldy grain, and you lose the hit points. ashly: i'm going to get rid of the wine and putthat all in my jug. ivan: i feel great until i vomit it back upagain. ashly: i had all the wine in my jug, and i got ridof it and filled it with vomit. phil: i'd like to secretly pocket some of thedried meats. to take with me. matt: secretly, so nobody else sees it, or--

phil: no, they don't see it. matt: make a sleight-of-hand check. taliesin: i like a man with secrets. oh my-- ashly: he just shoved an entire cow down hispants. phil: 32. taliesin: he rolled a-- tell him what you rolled. phil: i rolled a natural 20 with a plus 12sleight-of-hand. matt: (laughs) as everyone else is marvelingthemselves at this display of goblin gluttony, you step backwards and somehow in the process ofgiving your fellow goblins a little bit of a head

nod, you have managed to fill all of your pouchesand pockets with every single piece of meat on that wall. it goes from full to empty in a second,and no one's the wiser. you got like saddle bags filled with food right now and no one seems tohave noticed. ivan: browntooth! you're looking very fit. phil: well, i work out. marisha: you're very curvy. ivan: so curvy. marisha: and you've got a little junk in thetrunk, looks good. phil: yeah, y'know. comes from my mother's side.

marisha: ah, sure, yeah. your mom, man. matt: as you guys are finishing this mountain ofgoblin gluttony, we're going to go ahead and take a quick break here, we'll be back here in a fewminutes. marisha: don't let me forget, i want to try andfind some wine bottles for molotov cocktails, don't let me forget. matt: all right. we'll be right back. [break] matt: welcome back. so. we've had a little breakhere, we're coming back into the chaos here. so, this goblin band, having taken root in thisstorage basement beneath this human barn, the

center of the town of sandpoint, you've-- marisha: oh, wait, i want to make sure i find somewine bottles, maybe i can make some molotov cocktails real quick. maybe. matt: okay. you gather a couple of bottles ofwine. you, not really being able to read the labels, gather what seems to be alcoholic andfunctional. marisha: looks expensive. taliesin: looks like molotov. marisha: yeah. matt: all right. while this is happening, doesanyone want to do anything else here?

ivan: i want to roll in the discarded grain that ithen threw up to give me temporary hit points, and i want to roll in it. matt: okay. you roll around in it and you feellike it'll give you sufficient protection against a light wind. marisha: like a dog rolling in his vomit. ivan: yes, exactly. that's exactly how it's goingdown. matt: you can hear the footsteps and what soundslike voices from upstairs. there is a ladder in the far edge of this room that leads up to a trapdoor, and when the trap door is closed, you can hear what sounds like the occasional chuckle,voices that are muffled through the wood. it

appears that there is an actual tavern above youon street level that has a handful of patrons in it. ivan: so, do we escape through the tavern or do wego back into the caves and see if we can get under the godly poopoo place? ashly: can i roll a perception to see if there'sany other way out apart from the place with all the humans and the place we just came from? ashly: that's not great. it's a ten. matt: ten. i mean, there's the path. you can keepgoing or there's the tavern. ashly: oh right, we can keep going. ivan: we can keep going to find the birch tree.

phil: church. ivan: which is where the-- church, right, thebirch. matt: which as a note, you guys currently have noidea where in this city you are. you're just in the sewers. ivan: this is fine. this is part of the plan.don't even worry about it. or we could just run out into the streets. goblins. phil: that sounds decidedly unstealthy. i say wekeep going down until we find poop that seems like it's from a blue man. marisha: i like that. yeah. for the blue poop.

ivan: browntooth, let's go find the blue poop. marisha: let's find the blue poop. onward. ivan: so we're going to crawl back out through the holethat we made. marisha: maybe there's more cellars like thistoo. phil: more food. matt: you guys climb outside of thesection of the broken wall and continue down the path. ivan: as we leave, i would like to leave a partingflare into the cellar, because burning. matt: (chuckles) okay. ivan: because burning. as i leave, i'm like-- onmy way out.

matt: okay. you see the flare begin to slowlycause an ember to burn at the edge of a burlap sack of some spices in the corner. marisha: good one. ivan: yeah! woo. matt: all right. you guys continue to walk downthis pathway in the sewage system for about another 100 or so, 150 feet. it slowly pinchesinto about a five-foot-wide tunnel. you guys can stand shoulder-to-shoulder, two at a time at yourgoblin size to get across. and the little bit of water that is coming through here from the rainrunoff from some of the upper grate areas that are pouring in, it seems to be running to the edge.and you stumble a ways ahead before you find out

that there, that drop-off that you noticed, youcome up to it and it is indeed a drop-off. you glance down and the walkway you're at endsabruptly around a large cylindrical cistern-type chamber. probably a good 80 feet across and about80 feet down, further than your vision can really see. you don't see a bottom of it. you see (waterfalling). ivan: what does the loogie tell me? matt: you spit out the loogie. make a perceptioncheck. ivan: loogie perception check. marisha: we're all rolling terrible tonight. matt: you get so caught up with the flow of theloogie that you keep leaning forward further and

further trying to figure it out as your heels liftup. ivan: woo! matt: you guys watch as grizznak suddenly tipsforward and goes over the edge. ashly: well, he's dead. ivan: is anyone going to catch me? because i'mgoing to sing my song. ashly: i can try to catch you. what would that be?or would it be acrobatics? matt: this would be a straight up, i would say,dexterity. go ahead and roll a dexterity check on this one to see if you can be fast enough tograb. taliesin: i'll join her in it.

marisha: i'll join. we'll make goblin-- phil: this is the last time i save your ass. ashly: seven. marisha: goblin chain. we're going to goblin chainthis. everyone loop together. taliesin: 13. matt: oh, you're not helping. you're watching. marisha: no i'm goblin chaining this with them.straight dexterity? 20, total. matt: 20, okay. piglet reaches forward and goesover, too. ashly: oh god. my hubris.

matt: as they both begin to tumble over the edge,you grab and you both slip forward. the three of you manage to grab the back of piglet and pull herup and slowly, you guys get back up into the tunnel. no, no, no. piglet managed to grab thevery back of grizznak and pull him back up. marisha: damn, guys. we're badasses, just like wepracticed. good work. matt: grizznak, you're really frustrated becauseyou swear you were this close to seeing when that thing would drop before you got pulled up. ivan: guys, what's the big deal? i was almostthere. i almost saw it. oh, hi. phil: no more saving you. ashly: i have an alternate plan. what if i throwone of you across to the other side?

phil: hmm. i have another alternate alternateplan. i look to see if there is any way to climb up. matt: okay. make a perception check. phil: math is killing me. 24. matt: you glance upon the sides of the stoneworkon the inside of this giant cylindrical cistern that leads up to the where all the water's pouringin from. glancing about, there are very, very sparsely set stones that are slightly moreprotruding than the rest. you gather they could be leapt from stone to stone, if one is so interestedin being a good climber. so there is a way, yeah. ashly: goblin toss. that other thing, that soundsway boring. goblin toss. boring. taliesin: i volunteer as tribute!

ashly: yeah! you want me to toss you? taliesin: i tie the rope to my waist and i tie therope to her. phil: all the way across? ashly: all the way across. taliesin: i have 50 feet of rope. matt: mezek ties the rope around. who gets theother end of the rope? taliesin: give it to piglet. matt: okay. piglet, you have one side of the ropenow. ashly: i'm going to start swinging him around.

matt: okay. because there isn't a lot of-- roll astrength check. taliesin: i approve of this plan on every level. ashly: 12. matt: 12. so you swing him around once before yourealize that, because you're up against a wall there's not a whole lot of space and (impact) intothe stonework. you take one point of bludgeoning damage, hitting the side as he slips down and thenis now dangling and you can pull him back up. taliesin: all right. toss-- matt: there's a big gap in mezek's grin as a toothis now missing from that. ashly: it looks good. it suits you.

taliesin: it was hurting already. phil: more space to eat. taliesin: yeah. strawholder. all right. ashly: all right. well, that's all my plans. phil: you're not going to throw him across? ashly: oh wait. i could toss him across. is theresomething on the other side? did i make that up? is there more path? matt: looking across the way, you can see there isanother opening, 80 feet across. ashly: shall i try to toss him?

taliesin: well, i only have 50 feet of rope. thatwould have gone poorly. matt: you can try. ashly: do you still volunteer as tribute? marisha: i volunteer. ashly: you volunteer? marisha: i think i have a plan. it only works forme though, but fuck you guys. ashly: all right, i'm going to toss you. marisha: wait, first i take out a bottle and idrink it. and i shrink. i take my reduce person vial. matt: extract. okay. what is normal-sized snizzlershrinks down to about half the size now. voice is

higher, appearance is ridiculous. you guys now allcan't help but chuckle at this. marisha: okay. are you ready to throw me? let'stry this. ashly: you're so dumb. marisha: what are you guys laughing at? what?don't-- (garble) ashly: you're small. you're comparatively smallerto us now. ivan: i take her little tiny arms and i startmaking her dance like a little doll. marisha: stop it. ivan: my name's snizzler. snizzler, snizzler,snizzler. i like to fly. i like to fly. marisha: mom! mom!

matt: snizzler, you immediately regret thisdecision. ashly: all right, now i'm going to toss you.okay. ivan: i'm going to, just for shits and giggles,i'm going to also cast breeze. ashly and marisha: 20! matt: a natural 20? ashly: 23 all together. taliesin: it's the golden snitch, man. don't fuckwith the golden snitch. matt: so you take this tiny goblin, lick yourgrimy finger, feel the wind, point sir ruth style and shotput. snizzler arcs forward, much fartherthan you expected. overward, you see in the

distance-- rope not attached, by the way. marisha: you guys, it's beautiful from up here. matt: over. it comes up and you can see, you mayor may not be close enough to the ledge, oh god, it's right there before you. go ahead and make anacrobatics check in the middle of the air to try and maneuver yourself in the air to catch-- marisha: hang on, wait. she rolled the goldensnitch. let me roll my golden. not, not-- taliesin: i was about to say, that golden snitchnever rolls well, though. marisha: it never rolls well. wait, this is just adexterity? ivan: acrobatics.

marisha: 12. matt: 12. ashly: oh no. wait, is it song time? is it song time? ivan: song time. sing your song. marisha: what? am i falling now? matt: it's up to you. if you want to let it go.you can sing your song and go for a reroll. marisha: i guess it's song time. as i'm stillsoaring, in my tiny voice, i say (sing) snizzler, zazzlers, sizzler, zaz. eyebrows this goblin oncehad. my bombs go boom, they never miss. hi homeland security, because now i'm on thewatchlist.

taliesin: it's funny because it's true. marisha: yes. yes, it is. matt: go ahead and reroll that acrobatics check. phil: don't use that die. marisha: i'll use this one. ivan: got to get better. got to get-- ashly: did it get worse? what is with thererolling? matt: so, piglet. you had this. this isn't yourfault. stupid bomb goblin can't catch a ledge. but you like, you cross your arms and look around,just so everyone else understands that it wasn't you.

ivan: good try, piglet. matt: (splashing) into the water below. marisha: i hate water. phil: she really does. ashly: hey. he didn't die. matt: i do need you to make a swim check. marisha: i'm fucking terrible at swimming. oh god.okay. well, i rolled a 14 and i have a minus four, to my swim. so ten. matt: so you're treading water and slowly makingyour way across this giant cistern, about 20 feet

below where they are. you get halfway across,splashing. you guys see snizzler trying to make her way over to where you guys are. ivan: (laughing) there's water down there. marisha: seriously, you guys. matt: roll another swim check to try and make itthe other half of the way. ivan: come on, snizzler. marisha: oh, that's better. 13. matt: 13. you make your way up to the edge, like(grunting). you guys can look down now and you can just barely see outside of your darkvision here,you see snizzler approach and is now treading

water at the bottom of the cistern below you. ashly: we'll lower the ropes, snizz. marisha: come on. can i see if i can find purchaseon a little rock? off to the side, i can hold onto. matt: yeah. you go over and reach over and yougrab a rock and pull onto it and pull your weight up and your fingers slip off of it. there is aslick liquid from general grime. ivan: grab the rope. marisha: come on! come on. taliesin: i drop the rope. matt: okay. the rope (thumps) into the water nextto you. you grab onto it and the rest of you guys

slowly pull snizzler back up onto theentranceway. ivan: my turn. my turn. i want to be thrown next.my turn. taliesin: i'm going to look at the ceiling. i wantto see if there is anywhere we can attach the rope to the ceiling to make a swing. matt: currently, it is a dome, a smooth stone domethat then has three openings where the rainwater is pouring into currently and filling the bottomof the cistern. ashly: so the only way up is basically thoselittle stones? that we can see. ivan: the only other thing i can think of, takingmy snizzler hat off for a sec-- er, my grizznak-- is i could potentially mage hand up the rope. buti don't think i can tie it, i can just move it up.

phil: you know what? no, i'll climb up and tie therope. and everyone else can climb. ivan: we'll catch you if you fall. phil: right. that'll happen. i climb up to thegrate, with the rope. matt: okay. go ahead and roll a climb check. phil: 12 plus climb. 18. matt: 18. as you pull yourself up (grunting) andit is a slight curvature, so you're, like, hanging and holding onto it, but in true goblin tom cruisefashion, keeping a stern expression on your face. phil: well, you know tom cruise is a goblin.that's why he's so small. matt: makes sense. hopping on the sofa.

phil: (goblin noise) i'm in love. i'm in love. i'min love. matt: as you pull yourself up, tiny goblin feetdangling below, keeping your focus, browntooth, you bring your way across the ceiling, carryingthat rope in your grin. you get up to the edge of where the water's currently pouring into thecistern and it's moving past, i need you to roll another climb check to try and keep holding. phil: nine. matt: nine. your fingers are starting to slip.you're starting to slip. ivan: can i cast open on the grate and see ifit'll maybe lift him up with it open? matt: yeah. you know what, for a--

ivan: do you want me to grab it? matt: yeah. let's see if we can. what's the spell?this is open? ivan: open. ashly: i'd just like to take this moment to saythat browntooth is clearly the coolest goblin of all the goblins. ashly: he transcends space and time and climbeda slippery wall with a rope in his mouth. phil: almost climbed. marisha: the rest of us are total degenerates. ashly: i'm just throwing people, like--

matt: yeah, there's no resistance to it. as you'reslipping, slipping, all of a sudden the grate that contains the water opens and actually slams intoyour side, but you manage to catch onto it. it knocks the wind out of you, but you manage to holdon the edge. you catch your breath and you realize this is, first off, holding your weight, andsecond, there's a number of cross iron bars that are all welded together that would be a good placeprobably to tie the rope off. phil: i think i will tie the rope to the thingsthat would make a good place to tie the rope. ivan: you're welcome! phil: yeah, right. i saved your life, you savedmine-- twice. ivan well, you know what? now we've got one left.

phil: one left. ivan: which means i owe you a bird. (sings) birdybird bird bird bird. bird for you, bird for me. two birds for you and one bird for me. smash it,twist it, turn it in a stew. stick it in your face and you love-- and i love you. marisha: i love that song. phil: he's got many songs. taliesin: very impressive. matt as you finish tying the rope, helping eachperson up, each of you manage to climb, having it tossed back. it takes you a while to get going,but you do manage to--

phil we've now been on this quest for five days. taliesin in my head it's all henson puppets, andit's adorable. it's like fraggle rock, i'm there. ashly: the other goblin crew has already made it,they've got the stone, they're back. that's what's already happened in my head. i'll be disappointedif that's not what happens. matt: in climbing up the side of the grate,however, going on the other side, you are now fighting against the torrent of water so i needeach of you to make a climb check. marisha: oh we're all doing this? taliesin: yeah, yeah. matt: you don't have to, you can stay back in thesewers.

phil: wait for the fire to come. marisha: oh my god. taliesin: nine. marisha: three? matt; (laughing) what do you have, grizznak? ivan: two. matt two? okay. so-- phil: who do we have to save now? matt: we'll say for the sake of brevity here, anadditional hour or so is spent perpetually

retrieving your allies who keep getting all theway up and then (splash) right into the water. but you have to admire the tenacity. taliesin: i drink everything in my flask at thispoint. matt: okay, so you get your ki point going. taliesin: i've got to keep drinking. matt: eventually you guys make your way up pastthe flowing of water, which has slowed now, and that's probably how you're able to do it. taliesin: someone upstairs finally jiggled thetoilet. matt: yeah. you make your way up into an uppersewage system, and you guys crawl through what is

a much smaller series of pipes, to the point whereyou as goblins still have to crawl to make your way through. the sludge is thicker here and whatlittle bit of rain is pouring through you manage to keep between your arms and legs. eventually youfind your way into the bottom of some sort of a chamber that is filled with apparently humanwaste. taliesin: yes. ashly: the blue poop has to be here. marisha: i take the poop and i start making a ballout of it and i light it to see how flammable it is. ivan: this is totally logical. phil: if it were church people, they drink a lot,so it should light up.

matt: like the finest of candles, it does catchfire and begins to burn slowly. it's not dry enough to catch-- we're having this conversation. taliesin: no, i'm really excited that this is athing that's happening right now. matt: it would need to be suitably dried out towork as proper fuel, but-- marisha: definitely lots of alcohol, lots ofdrugs, yeah. i start packaging up some of the poop. phil: i look for any sort of egress. ivan: same. ashly: why not, i'll do it too. ivan: 16.

phil: eight. ashly: 18. matt: all right. while you're collecting yourfilthy prize, both piglet and grizznek, you guys look up and notice that there is a wooden or stoneceiling, but a singular opening above you. like a circular hole. ivan: first, i would like to listen to see ifthere's any stinky, stupid humans upstairs. ivan: (singing) stinky stupid humans. eight. phil: i love that game. stinky stupid humans! ivan: they're so dumb. stinky stupid humans, butthey're fun-- to kill!

matt: you listen and you hear the muffled noisesof conversation as well. it sounds like there are a few different voices, though they're behind acouple of walls from where you are. ivan: so they're not straight above us? matt: no. ivan: i'm going to cast open again on thatopening. matt: okay. you cast open. the opening is open. matt: so the spell is a success! ivan: yes! i will climb up through the poopchute. matt: as you pull yourself up out of it, in awonderful medieval version of the ghoulies vhs

cover, you pull yourself out from-- taliesin: wow, we went back. matt: oh man, i couldn't go near toilets for yearsbecause of that movie cover at the vhs store. ivan: i stick my head up and i look through thetoilet seat and then i go (blows nose) and knock a huge chunk of poop out of my nostril. matt: there you go. glancing ahead, your openspell missed, but did hit the front of the outhouse which has currently swung open in themid-day, facing the window leading into the tavern that you guys nearly entered beforehand. ivan: oh. close.

matt: closes shut. however, it does appear to benestled in an alleyway on the outside of it. it's a very thin opening. you didn't see any peopleactually in the alley. you saw the outside of a window and a street thoroughfare. ivan: mmm. phil: where are we? ivan: we're outside now. we seem to be in what thehumans use to get rid of all their precious waste. taliesin: we're inside an outhouse? phil: that sounds sort of oxymoronic. ivan: we're in one of those redundant human cubesin which humans go to poop inside of instead of

doing it where they sleep, which is way morepractical. ashly: wait, guys, those church things-- isn'tthere like a symbol that people use, like a circle or like--? ivan: well, i say we get browntooth up here and hecan go scout it out. right, browntooth? phil: if it keeps you from blowing things up, andyou setting anything on fire. right, i climb up and go out the outhouse to stealthily move into thestreet. matt: all righty. so, as you-- ivan: wait, wait, wait. i'm also going to castpenumbra on him. ivan: so, penumbra, it basically puts a permanentshadow on him.

phil: oh. i thought it gave me a number frombefore. (laughs) matt: go ahead and roll a stealth check, if youcould. ivan: makes it so that even light spells make himstill look like he's covered in shadow. matt: all right. as you stumble into the shadyalley, looking about, you glance over the side of the window real fast into the tavern, and you dosee there are probably a dozen patrons in there. some drinks being served, a guard at the door onthe inside. however, looking to your left, there the alleyway spills out into a main streetthoroughfare, and you can see people walking by, families with children. there's a general air ofjovial energy to it, and some people are wearing

flower crowns on their heads. you can seecarts being put along the street. seems like the festival you were told of, this terrible, humanfestival seems to be in full swing. go ahead and make a survival check. matt: you come out to the edge of the alleyway,glance about. first thing you notice is the sun in the sky. you were like "eh, it's probablymid-day-ish". no, it's pushing toward sunset now. you probably have another hour of sunlight. soyou don't know how much longer this festival's going to be going. you spent quite a while gettinghere and wandering the sewers. ivan: as per typical goblin fashion. matt: indeed. however, you notice that everyone iswalking a certain direction. and, one, there are a

number of carts that are going by. there arecurrently unmanned, closed carts that would be used to sell fruit and fish. this being a porttown, fish is a big export here. and the alleyways that you came out of? there is a second alleywaythat offshoots from where the outhouse is that goes between the buildings off the mainthoroughfare. this is what you're able to gauge in your time out here. phil: i go back and tell them what i've seen. soeverybody's going that way. ivan: we should probably go-- all: that way? ivan: that way.

ashly: that way! marisha: maybe if we get on each others' shoulderswith a coat, we'll look like peoples! ashly: i want do a perception roll for a big coat.14. matt: you glance over the window and look inside.one of the bar patrons, sitting by the bar, is this rotund-looking gentleman in his late 40s.balding hair, a double chin, leaned forward on the bar, looking like he's ready to pass out from theamount of alcohol he's been drinking. he is in the inside of the tavern. he has a very long coat thatdrapes past the bar. ashly: we got to do it! there's no alternative! phil: there is an alternative! there's the littlealleyway!

ashly: no alternative! this is what we're doing.how many patrons are there? do i get to know from my perception check? matt: glancing in there, you see probably tenpatrons altogether. marisha: i look around. do i see anything thatlooks like a children's clothing store? maybe two of us can be a child and three of us can be anadult. ivan: if each one of us is a leg, and we're threegoblins tall, that's six feet. marisha: okay, yeah, no, you're right, grizz. phil: look for a cow costume. perception check fora cow costume. ivan: i'll cast penumbra on you, so at leastyou'll be in shadow.

ashly: and then i could stealth. well, yourstealth is insane, actually. he has +20 stealth. taliesin: i've got very high stealth, too, so i'mgoing to come in with this. ashly: you guys should go in and get the coat!i'll go in, too! taliesin: we're going to sneak in to get thecoat. marisha: i'll stand guard and watch outside thewindow. phil: i still have my penumbra, right? ivan: penumbra. matt: you do not have penumbra because he cast iton her, right? or is it a once at a time thing, or can you do multiple people?

ivan: that's a good question. shit. it's in theultimate magic book. matt: we'll say, for the time being, it affectsboth of you. it's fine. using the shadows around you, it's getting late. the angle of the sun,shadows are not too hard to find. roll stealth checks, all three of you, as you make your wayalong the side, darting between barrels and trying to find a way into the tavern from the window,other than the front door. ashly: 30. phil: 33. matt: woo! you guys duck behind every singlepossible piece of discarded material, empty crates and boxes, barrels that are available. you jump atcertain times, following the lead of browntooth.

you manage to find your way through thethoroughfare to an entrance to the kitchen on the side of this tavern. the door is partially ajar.you look in and there is one person manning the kitchen. you see this poor, older woman, who is inthe process of running around with four things burning and is like, "there's too many! i hatefestivals! coming!" she's not paying attention to the door right now. ashly: so we could stealth by her, too? matt: you could try. phil: or we could kill her. ashly: look, i know i'm a goblin and i love humanblood, but she looks like she's trying her best,

you know? matt: she seems largely distracted. you guys, withyour current stealth, not an issue. you make your way through the kitchen unnoticed. you make yourway into the tavern proper. you can see a handful of patrons around a table playing cards, talking toeach other. you hear a couple of them. one person's like, "stupid tradition. i'm just goingto stay here and drink until i care." takes a big old sip. somebody on the other side of the tablegoes, "speeches every year, speeches! father "zantas has shown that religion has no sense ofbrevity!" you see this other guy at the far end table gets up, "and what about you, zed?" andslaps the shoulder of the guy who has the large coat on. he's leaning forward and goes, "at leastthe meals were good. i'm probably going to skip

"out on the consecration. i've no stomach forprayer these days." he's face down on the bar right there. "oh, zed! that'll be me in an hour."he goes and sits down at the table. there's just the barkeep at the bar who's close. everyone elseis at the table now at the card game and zed is passed out at the bar. what are you going to do? ashly: guys, what was the name of that dude wewere supposed to find? phil: something with a 'z,' with two parts. it'snot him. ashly: it's not him? phil: he's not wearing blue. matt: no, he's not wearing blue. he's wearing adark, muddy brown color.

ashly: let's steal his coat! matt: all right. the three of you guys going intothis tavern area. go ahead and roll stealth again. ashly: 20. matt: cannot roll perception for npcs today atall. phil: 34. taliesin: 37. matt: you guys dart under one table, wait for amoment, the barmaid walks by, dart under another table. you're chaining your way across this roombetween these men. eventually, finding your way

right to the outside of this passed-out zed whosearm drifts and hangs loosely to his side. his body is half against the bar and is a good two minutesfrom slumping directly onto the ground and off his stool. ashly: how do we steal it? phil: should we wait for him to slump? matt: the barkeep is like, "you okay, zed?" pokeshim a little bit. taliesin: (heavy sigh) matt: "he's all right." goes back to cleaning amug. ashly: maybe one of us should distract the barkeepwhile the other two grab the coat. make noise in

the corner or something. ivan: we're still outside, right? matt: yeah, you're just waiting. ivan: i keep casting open and close on theouthouse door. matt: (creaking) (slamming) taliesin: does zed have anything on his personother than a coat? matt: you can only see the coat on him right nowbecause it's a long trench coat. phil: we'll throw something to the other side ofthe bar. ashly: break some glasses. really distract them.

matt: what do you throw? taliesin: i'm going to grab one of my goblin jagstars and i'm going to pop one of the bottles on the shelf. i assume there's a shelf of bottles. matt: there is a shelf of bottles. taliesin: i'm going to pop one on the oppositeside of us to try and knock it over. matt: mezek, you pull out your goblin jag star,which is essentially the equivalent of a shuriken, but it's carved out of pieces of odd,rusted metal that had been tied together. it's more of a cluster of broken whatever you foundfrom a wagon wheel that was busted weeks ago, but you throw it as a ranged weapon. roll an attack.

taliesin: that's 20. matt: 20. a bottle shatters and sprays across theback of the barkeep who's like, "hey, what the "hell is that?!" taliesin: grab it! matt: he seems currently distracted. the three ofyou together make sleight of hand checks right now as you rush up to try and pull this off. taliesin: where's sleight of hand? matt: this is probably me, sorry. ivan: should be under sense motive.

taliesin: we don't have it. phil: i have it. matt: so you guys aren't trained in it, so thisis going to be a basic roll, adding your dexterity modifier. ashly: so 11, then. phil: 28. taliesin: 19. matt: okay, you're all above a ten with two highrolls, that's good. you all leap up real fast, grab his coat, and pull it off of him beforeanyone seems to notice.

taliesin: i want to see if he's got anything onhis belt like a pouch or anything like that. matt: you glance, and there is a belt pouchthere. taliesin: i want to make a stab at grabbing andripping it off. ashly: don't get greedy! matt: roll another sleight of hand check. ivan: we're goblins; of course be greedy! taliesin: what am i rolling? matt: this is another sleight of hand. taliesin: 15.

matt: 15. okay! you snatch it and all of a suddenyou hear a voice from the front door go, "hey, "what's that? i saw something! is someone trying tosteal from zed?!" you hear footsteps as somebody begins walking over to where he was right now. ashly: go! we run? matt: you guys run? make stealth checks, guys. ashly: we have the coat, though, right? matt: you have the coat with you, yeah. ashly: oh no! ashly: 15.

taliesin: 34. matt: okay, you guys run. as you're running,piglet, you're running behind them hanging on the back of the coat and you slam your head at thebottom of the table, putting a big old knot on it. it happens to be the table where the card game wasbeing played. all the cards go (crashing), all the coins scatter in the air. the guys go, "whoa whatthe hell is that?!" and they see as this coat scampers off into the kitchen on its own. you guyshear voices go, "did you see that?!" "it went in "the kitchen, come on!" you hear the sound ofchairs scooting as all of a sudden people are beginning to stand up and rush towards the kitchenafter you. taliesin: while we're running, i'm going to take myjar of puke and pour it out on the ground behind

us like a mud slick. ashly: i have puke, too! matt: you're holding the knot on your head, youpull the jar, pour it out, and spill this slick mass of goblin vomit and whatever else liquid youput inside there. as you dart through the kitchen, the cook goes, "your food's ready! what the--?!"and sees you guys dart out the door as the crowd comes in and two of them (yell) and fall on theirbacks immediately there. a third man steps over and follows you into the alleyway. the cook'slike, "you can't be in here! what are you doing?!" as the door slams, you guys make your way into thealley. you see the three of them rush out holding the coat.

marisha: what's going on? (frantic yelling) marisha: i'm so glad i planned for this. and i go,go guys. smoke bomb! matt: as the door opens again, you see thisbreastplate-adorned guard of the city who is essentially the bouncer of this place, rushes out,blade drawn, helmet half-cocked on his face where it doesn't fit right and one eye looks higher thanthe other, and he goes, "you!" (explosion) as smoke fills this entire alleyway, he beginscoughing. marisha: before the cloud gets too thick, i go--and run. ashly: we should go in the outhouse and assembleour mary kate and ashley situation.

marisha: okay, let's do it! ivan: we should probably not do it in theouthouse. taliesin: we can run all the way around thealleyway from this. let's get down the alley. matt: you guys rush out of the alleyway, you getout of the fog, you manage to dart off to the side and wait a little bit. you hear that guard wanderoff and start shouting, and vanishes in the distance. after a few moments of waiting, you'repretty certain he hasn't been able to keep up with your trail because you're that stealthy. are yougoing to do this? ashly: yeah! who wants to be the head? ivan: that's the important one.

phil: we all have goblin heads. ivan: i have a 17 charisma. marisha: i don't like talking to people. ashly: whoever has the highest charisma shoulddefinitely be the head. ivan: grizznak the great will be the head! matt: this is the best goblin voltron ever! ivan: hello, fellow human! aren't you having awonderful human day today? phil: you guys have the high strength. taliesin: well, we've got the high dex. you shouldbe the middle, so we'll be the legs.

ivan: you form the torso. i will form the head andtogether we shall be goblon! marisha: i've been doing a lot of crunches, so ifeel pretty good about being the core. taliesin: what's in the pouch? matt: in the pouch you find eight gold pieces, asmall snuff box. taliesin: ooh! i eat all the snuff. matt: okay! phil: you're flying! marisha: what did you eat?! matt: roll a will saving throw.

taliesin: where's my will saving throw? there itis. 16. matt: 16. okay. the world gets a little funny fora bit, and you feel exhilarated, though a little unfocused. what normally is the goblin adhd is nowin hyperdrive. you're looking everywhere. we have grizznak as the head. ivan: grizznak forms the head! phil: we are the middle. matt: you guys are the middle. marisha and taliesin: we're the legs. matt: with that, you stand up, coat goes on,snapping it shut.

ashly: i give grizznak my pretty hat. ivan: okay. i actually have a goblin's wizard'shat. ashly: can you put it on top to humor me? ivan: why don't you put it under one of our armsso it looks like we're carrying a helmet? ashly: all right. fair enough. ivan: i'll probably get away more with the wizardhat. phil: oh, you think? matt: so, where are you guys going? phil: we're going towards where the people weregoing. was the alleyway

parallel to the main street? matt: it was, yeah. you follow that. phil: head down the alleyway. matt: great. the sky has cleared, by the way. phil: like vincent d'onofrio. marisha: yes, like men in black. matt: okay, so! (laughs) i'm so happy right now. ivan: hello! phil: morning!

matt: as you guys trudge down the alleyway, thesky is clear now. most of the upper areas are dry other than a few rain barrels that have caught alot of water in the side of this alleyway. you can hear the music in the distance, you can hear thelaughter of children, you can hear people playing. it sounds like this festival is in heavy swing.you come to the end of the alleyway into an open town square, a main open thoroughfare with largetents that are erected, with large carts, people barking for food, different carnival games set upthroughout this area. what you notice amongst the buildings and houses is a large stone cathedralthat looms over this entire area. in front of this cathedral, there is a raised platform where the bandis playing, where the music's coming from. people all around this area are now talking and familieslaughing. there are small poles that are erected

that are covered in flower wreaths that are hungaround it. phil: sounds gay. matt: actually, quite happy and jovial. ivan: never been so disgusted in my entire life. ipoke my legs and my torso to move them forward so that we can get closer to the stone. does it looklike there's a speech that's going to be starting soon? matt: people are gathered towards the center ofthis area around that. ivan: i would like to motion my torso and my legsto be on the outer edge of the front couple of lines of the group.

phil: look and see if there's anybody wearingblue. ashly: yeah, look for the blue poop. ivan: blue. i see silver. i see brown, which isnice. i see red. i see-- ashly: what about blue? i don't care about theother colors! ivan: i see purple. you mean yellow? ashly: no! blue! phil: look for the guy in the blue! ivan: i see a blue sky! matt: as this is happening, a drunk man,30-something, a red chin-strap beard, and long

hair pulled into a top knot has a tankard in frontof him and, (hiccup) "hey, happy autumn's-thing." ivan: happy autumn's-thing! matt: make a bluff check. ivan: oh, i'm so good at bluff. 15. matt: he goes, "i think you need some more of thisthan i do." ivan: yeah, i do! matt: he pats you on the back with a hefty arm. marisha: whoa! matt: since you are the guys that are holding thelegs right now, i need you to both

make strength checks. taliesin: oh god! taliesin: five. matt: five. one leg, whoa, goes forward, and youstumble and take a knee like you're kneeling in the middle of the street. and the man who holdsthe drink goes-- ashly: kids, i want to talk to you about safe sex. ivan: i am reflecting upon the glory that is thismost holy day-- phil: stop talking! matt: "oh, you're one of them church types. nevermind." and the guy stumbles off. at this point,

you see the crowd starting to hush a little andgather towards-- taliesin: hup! matt: you get back up. make a perception check ifyou could, grizznak. ivan: okay, that was very close. 17. matt: 17. glancing up, you can see now-- ivan: i try not to put my little hand up. i put itback down. matt: the people that are gathering towards thiscentral platform area you can see a person ascending the steps on the side. what you see is aman dressed in simple, but elegant blue robes that walks from the cathedral, who is standing now at apodium in the center of this. as people begin to

hush, some yell towards him. he has short brownhair and a well-kept beard that show a social station amongst the townspeople, although hisdemeanor is very humble. but some people are paying attention to him, some people are lookingaround, some people are still yelling and playing games. he seems to be a little frustrated that noone's paying attention. ivan: blue alert! blue alert! we have a code blue! taliesin: running towards it. phil: does he have a stone? ivan: can i see the stone at all? matt: you do not see a stone. however, as you guysbegin to make your way through the crowd, and

everyone's paying attention to various things inthe area, he reaches into the pocket of his robe and pulls out a small cast iron pellet about thatlarge. and he takes it, looks around, and throws it to the top of this platform. as it hits thewoodwork, you hear a sudden (thunderclap). it causes this echo of thunder throughout theentirety of this area and everyone stops and goes (gasp). ivan: he's got a boom cube. marisha: he's got a boom-boom rock. ashly: is that the rock we want? ivan: no, it's not the rock, but i like that rock.

phil: that's the rock we want! ivan: no, it's not, it's just a boom-boom rock.guys! you've seen boom-boom rocks. we all know about boom-boom rocks. phil: have we seen these before? matt: you have not. ivan: okay, well, grizznak likes to think he'sseen a boom-boom rock before because he's the smartest and the greatest grizznak. ashly: is there a way to confirm whether or notthat's the rock that--? matt: actually, for you, go ahead and roll awisdom check.

ivan: oh, hohohoho. phil: o grizznak the barely alive. ivan: 21. matt: you realize at this moment, as you wereinstructing the goblins that can't possibly be the stone because that's a boom-boom rock, yourealize, holy shit, this entire journey was to retrieve a boom-boom rock. ivan: guys, guffeye wants us to get boom-boomrocks. ashly: why does she want us to get boom-boomrocks? ivan: because they're boom-boom rocks!

ashly: but we have boom-boom rocks back home! matt: with this, suddenly, you hear screams. youhear dogs starting to bark in the distance and you see the glow of flames over across the way as twostreets, three streets away, you see fire beginning to glow and plumes of smoke build up. marisha: fire! matt: people begin to run, and chaos breaks in thecrowd as people begin looking about, screaming, "what's going on?! we're under attack! goblins arehere!" ivan: okay, so goblon is going to lurch forward,and i'm going to try and see-- does he have like a pouch of boom-boom rocks? or anything like that?

matt: no, all you see is the single stone rollingoff the top of the stage-- ivan: mage hand. matt: okay, you mage hand and the stone stopsthere in place as you begin walking towards it. the crowd now is scattering and running away aspeople are trying to flee from this distant flame. you hear another explosion in the distance as asection of burning wood flips. marisha: someone's making really big boom-booms.i want to meet that person! phil: do you think that had anything to do withthe fire you set? ivan: i don't think it's the fire that i set inthe tavern. ashly: wait, guys, remember? there's other goblinshere.

ivan: remember, it's the seven-teeth-- phil: we've got to get the rock! taliesin: too many tooth! get the rock. phil: wait, i'll ask you. is anyone watching us? ivan: i think everyone's pretty distracted by thebig boom-booms. marisha: here, i can help clear this area out,too. i light another little firecracker and throw it down next to us to scare the crowd. matt: okay, so as you throw another firecracker,you guys stumble forward, foot by foot. i want you to make another bluff check. and i want both thelegs, both of you guys to make another strength

check to try and get there quickly. ivan: natural 20. that puts me up to 27. ashly: nine. taliesin: ten. matt: okay, so: as you're rushing forward you cansee the crowd look at you as you turn and be like, "no! don't go that way! the goblins are that way!"and they're actually genuinely trying to save you. ivan: i will save us from this goblin scum! matt: and as you say that, the firecracker goesoff behind. everyone looks around distracted, as both of your legs tumble forward and you tumbleforward. the coat unravels as what was once a

single entity rolls into five goblin balls thatall (rolling thumps) across the stonework, slamming into the base of this platform. you guyscan hear the distant screams of goblins two or three streets over where the main battle'shappening. the guards have moved in that direction. this open thoroughfare is mostly emptyof all people at this time. you glance over and can see the stone is in the center of a lightpiece of mud that hasn't fully dried from the earlier storm. phil: i go to get the stone. matt: you rush forward, grab the stone, and put itin your hand. you hear a voice say, "halt! you "will walk no further, foul creature! sarenrae'svengeance will end your existence." you all glance

over to the left of you and you see a womandressed in gold armor and light blue cloth clutching a scimitar in one hand and a small goldstatue of a winged woman in the other. as she glares at you, you hear a voice behind her say,"come on, kyra, don't think we'll let you "have all the fun to yourself." you see, walking upbehind her, a small halfling man grinning with shaggy blond hair saunters up, pulling out aflute. behind him, a human in heavy armor, his long brown, unkempt hair around his shouldersdraws two blades and scowls. "goblins, of course." he readies himself as a shield appears before himas another heavily armored figure steps in front of the lot. a tall woman wielding a longsword, herhair pulled back tight and her face tense goes, "behind me. we shall smite them where they stand."behind all of them, you see an older man with long

white hair and a beard hold up a staff and smirk."well, seelah, i can just destroy them from here. "that's fine with me." i need you all to rollinitiative. taliesin: oh, shit. ivan: adventuring party. marisha: damn adventuring parties. ashly: 21. marisha: 22. ivan: look at all this adventure. ivan: i'm at an eight.

phil: 24. matt: all right, hold on just a second. ashly: there's no fleeing in d&d is there? marisha: yeah, you can flee. phil: oh, watch! taliesin: you can do anything you like. ivan: if you've never seen goblins run before-- phil: you're going to see some hellacious fleeingright now. marisha: i'm not above it.

phil: because there's a lot of them with armor andwinged statuary! marisha: they got lots of hair. we've got reallybig ears, though. matt: 20? higher than 20, anybody? matt: damn, look at that! all right. ivan: super runaway! matt: that's browntooth. you had-- taliesin: we've got the rock? phil: i've got the rock. ivan: glad that we were able to keep it.

phil: so far. matt: these humans look ready and eager, andthere's a part of you that's like, "oh man, it "would feel good to cut them down." it is up to youwhat you want to do. phil: how many of them are there? taliesin: four. ivan: four against five. those are good goblinnumbers. ashly: there's five of them. ivan: oh, there's five of them? there's five ofus. that's bad goblin numbers. that's very bad goblin numbers.

matt: 20 to 15, anybody? ivan: ten to 15? matt: sorry, 20 to 15. nope? all right. ashly: i'm all for smashing stuff, but i smashed awall, i smashed a crate. i'm down to run. matt: 15 to ten? ivan: 15 to ten, no. matt: nope. ten to five? taliesin: i like the random sounds of sheep beingtortured. marisha: (sheep bleating)

taliesin: thursday night. it's a nice sunday nightright there. matt: top of the round. all of them charge intothe square as the rest scattered. bring this in here. browntooth, you're up first. phil: i look for some place to hide and head thereas quickly as possible. matt: closest place to hide here would be behind thiscart or behind the platform. phil: where are the attacking people? matt: they're right here. phil: ah! there they are. i get behind theplatform. matt: you duck around here. go ahead and roll astealth check to hide in the shadows.

phil: 30. matt: 13? matt: 30! okay! you duck underneath the platform,keeping an eye on what's happening. is that your turn? phil: can i see them? matt: you can see them. phil: yes, that's my turn. matt: snizzler, it's your turn. marisha: first, i'm going to take a pipe bomb andthrow it right at that one.

matt: right there? all right. he is 25 feet away.do you want to get a little closer to do it? marisha: i move up one square and then i hit him. matt: lob it! roll for an attack. ivan: goblin pipe bombs! marisha: 18! matt: 18 hits! ashly: nice! matt: it is a touch attack, correct? marisha: touch attack.

matt: he's actually on fire right now. marisha: everyone in a ten foot radius must make areflex save. matt: indeed. what's the dc on that? marisha: 14. matt: that is a failure, success, success. threedamage, three damage, and six damage. nice! marisha: plus the main dude takes 13 damage. matt: 13 points of damage! woo! marisha: can i use the rest of my movement to alsorun backwards? marisha: run towards these things.

matt: that's about as far as you can get rightthere. marisha: that's fine. matt: you run up, fling it, and dart away, as itlands at the foot of the guy with the blades out, he prepares himself and goes to guard as it(explosion) bursts in front of him. you can see the flames coast up and now the fire is caughtinto his hair and his armor is burning from whatever goblin liquid, napalm-like material youhad in there adhered to him. as the fire bursts outward in a ten foot radius because of yourgoblin expertise with explosive devices, the flames catch the three other allies of his, whoall manage to avoid most of the impact. but you do see them scarred and burned a little bit fromthe side of the blast. the fighter is furious as

the flames lick across his torso. that ends yourturn. piglet, you're up. ashly: well, you lit them on fire, so now i wantto smash them. but maybe i should run away. taliesin: follow your heart. phil: ranged attack? no. ashly: i don't have a ranged attack. matt: you are an up-close and angry-- ashly: screw it, i'm going to rage! matt: yes! ashly: so i rage.

matt: you rage. you can move 40 feet becauseyou're a barbarian, so you can go pretty far. where do you want to go? ashly: how up-close and personal can i get? whatdude did marisha just hit real hard? matt: that guy. ashly: how close can i get to him? matt: you can get right up to him. ashly: let's get right up to that guy. matt: you (yells) rush up, hammer in the air. youget one hammer attack on this turn. matt: 17 just hits! his armor class is 17. goahead and roll damage on that.

ashly: this is my d10, right? matt: yep, d10. ashly: seven plus six is 13. matt: 13 points of damage. as you rush up to theman that's on fire, you leap into the air (yells) and plant your goblin skullbreaker hammer rightsquare in the chest. you can see his armor bend inward and he goes (gasping) as the air escapeswith a spatter of blood that crosses your face. it's warm and you take it in. as you pull back thehammer, the flames still burning on him. he's coughing up blood now from the impact. he'salready taken a very poor round. that ends your turn?

ashly: mm-hmm. matt: angry piglet's up front. first and foremost,the little halfling bard shouts out to the rest of the group, "valeros, you okay, bud? all right,let's do this. great!" and he jumps up onto this cart right here and pulls out his flute and beginssinging, "and as their footfalls to the ground, "the strength and mighty muscles bound! they raisetheir blades into the sky and cut those goblins "nigh and high!" as he begins to sing, he bolstersall his allies in song. you see all of them begin to rally themselves for the battle, hearing theirfriend accompanying this rousing fight. that finishes his turn. they all have bonuses to theircombat prowess. phil: that's bullshit.

matt: the paladin, who watched her friend getpummeled in the chest and set aflame, goes, "not "on my watch!" and steps in to you and is going totake a swing with her longsword. phil: paladin who worships cliches, apparently. matt: would you consider yourself an evilcharacter? ashly: i'm just trying to get mine, you know whati mean? probably, yeah. matt: she's going to attempt to smite evil as herswift action. that's a natural 20. i have to confirm to see if it crits. that is a 17. what'syour armor class? matt: 19, it does not confirm crit! however, youdo suffer-- ashly: piglet's going to go down swinging, guys.

matt: that's eight points of slashing damage asthe blade strikes into you and a burst of divine energy as you feel your dark core of yourblackened goblin heart all of a sudden burn with radiant, divine energy. that ends her turn. phil: fucking born agains. matt: next up, this older wizard dude is going tolook to the one who threw the bomb and goes, (casting) and holds aloft his staff. marisha: what? i don't understand you! speakenglish! matt: you put out your giant goblin ear to listento the strange language. a pock of greenish energy forms in the air as an arrow streaks towards you.

marisha: foul play, man, foul play. thought youwere trying to tell me something. matt: what's your armor class? marisha: 17. matt: 17. okay! as this arcane arrow full of acidstreaks towards you, you do a goblin cartwheel out of the way and it hits a barrel behind you. itbegins to melt the barrel and you can see a thick series of berries begin to spill out onto thethoroughfare. he goes, "oh, damn it!" he ducks into this alleyway between those buildings here.that ends his turn. the cleric, now, is going to step up to the center, holds her scimitar in one handand her holy symbol to the sky and goes, "sarenrae, protect us!" energy drifts off. all ofher allies heal up six hit points.

phil: all right, i'm going to kill her. matt: you also heal six hit points because you area living creature and you're in the radius, so you heal six. unintended consequence of hercircumstance. ivan: because her god considers you collateral. ashly: her god's like, "i like this one!" ivan: i like this one's spunk! ashly: this one's got the moxie! matt: the fighter who's on fire is going to grinand bear the flames because he wants to take down the one who smashed him with the hammer. he'sgoing to take another 1d6 fire damage; go ahead

and roll for that. marisha: five. matt: however, he is angrily going to unleash uponyou with his longsword and shortsword. that is 13 to hit with his longsword. what's your armorclass? matt: you duck out of the way. he goes in to stickyou with a shortsword. that's an 18. ashly: 19. yes! taliesin: we are hard to hit. ashly: (yelling) i'm going to live forever! matt: can't seem to find you with his blades as heangrily swings outward.

ivan: and by forever you mean 30. matt: grizznak, your turn. ivan: oh, crap. i think i'm going to give this ashot. i'm going to try to get kitty-corner to where piglet is, so five feet away, not withinthreat range of the group. matt: there? ivan: yeah, one more step towards me. trying tosee if that's going to get piglet in the way or not. it may. if i have the movement, i'll do onemore right next to it. matt: yeah, you have the movement. ivan: i'm going to mock the wizard. i'm going tolook at him and go, (casting) (sneezes) and cast

flaming sneeze. (sneezing) as gouts of flamesstart coming out of my nose over and over again. marisha: yeah, go grizz! taliesin: moldy grain, man. not even once. ivan: i know, i get really bad allergies to grain.moldy grain especially. (sneezes) matt: i'm okay with this. what are the rolls youhave to make for that one? ivan: i still have to make a concentration. shit.my dc on it is 13 and i got a ten. song time! marisha: song time! ivan: song time for my reroll in the midst of mysneezing, because i'm not feeling like i'm tickled enough, i launch into my: (sings) grizznak, grizznak, thegreatest that there is! smarter than the stupid

ones, even when he whizzed. look at them run, look atthem hide, look down to watch them burn and die! zergamot will loot the corpse and then we'll takea ride, hey! i'm going to reroll. i'm never allowed be a player ever again. marisha: every time we've used our songs to rerollit's gotten worse! matt: what'd you roll? are you kidding me?! ivan: i will allow you to light myself on firewith my own sneezes. matt: that's what happens! taliesin: do not sneeze into the wind! ivan: (sneezes)

matt: is it called fire sneeze or flaming sneeze? ivan: it's called fire sneeze. matt: based on the effects of this spell, i needyou to-- ivan: for two rounds, i'm doing this continually.i keep sneezing for two rounds. matt: roll a reflex save. ivan: all right! marisha: big money, no whammies! ivan: seven! matt: seven. go ahead and roll 2d6 of fire damageas you glance over at the wizard, wink, go to

sneeze and suddenly you catch yourself, close themouth. ivan: grizznak snopstork signs off, everybody, asi consume myself in flames. and take ten damage. phil: that's the good roll you get? ivan: that's my good roll. taliesin: you sneeze yourself to death. matt: as you sneeze, there is a ball of flame thatbursts out of the nostrils and ears of grizznak. as smoke pours out, (yells) and falls onto theback. (sizzling) unconscious, but smoldering at the moment. marisha: oh, shit! that was nuts!

ivan: just to be clear, that puts me at negativeone. matt: negative one. mezek, you're up. ashly: this is not going super hot, guys. phil: i told you to run! taliesin: the guy who's on fire, who's not doingwell, right? taliesin: i'm going to run screaming at him. i'mgoing to (yells) throw one of my awful stars directly at him as i run straight up to him. phil: why not run away and throw the star? it'sa ranged weapon! matt: mid-run, you throw a star using your deadlyaim.

taliesin: i am using my deadly aim. that can'tpossibly go poorly. that's 18. matt: 18 hits. go ahead and roll damage with theadditional plus two damage for the deadly aim. taliesin: i don't have to roll damage, it's anauto. that's six points of damage. (yells) matt: as you rush up, you throw it, it embeds inthe side of his throat and he's like (coughing). he reaches up and pulls it out and a gout ofblood goes (spraying). he's like (grunting) holding his longsword in one hand. "stupidgoblins!" as the flames are still burning around him. you move all the way up to him. taliesin: i'm straight up in their business. matt: ending your turn, we're back up to the topof the round. browntooth, you're up.

ivan: drunken master. phil: now, i like you guys, i really do. ivan: but super run away? matt: they have no idea you're hiding. marisha: you have the rock, don't you? phil: yep! ivan: oh, that would be very goblin of you to justleave everyone to die and be the one that brings the boom-boom rock back to guffeye. phil: i would be her favorite. especially if iwere the only one left! i might get a drink with

dinner! but first, i am going to shoot my lightcrossbow at the-- there's the flaming fellow-- matt: right there. there's the paladin, andthere's the cleric there. that's the bard. phil: should i finish off the big guy? taliesin: he's on fire. ivan: he's got blood coming out the side of hisneck. phil: i could reach all of them. taliesin: yeah, you can hit anybody you like.there's a bard, a cleric-- phil: the wizard has run off. taliesin: he's run off.

ashly: you could try to finish off flame dude. marisha: whereabouts are you, browntooth? ashly: he's behind that platform over yonder. taliesin: yeah, he's the yellow circle. phil: the cleric. matt: go ahead and roll for attack. ashly: ooh! 17 plus nine. matt: yeah, that definitely hits. go ahead androll damage with additional 2d6 sneak attack damage.

phil: should i do them all at once? taliesin: yeah, do them all at once. phil: (grunts) seven. matt: seven points of damage to the cleric. thebolt strikes the back of the cleric's lower torso, the kidney area and she goes (grunts) and almostdrops the holy symbol, catching it in the middle of the air, looks around. make a stealth check tosee if you manage to remain hidden this round. phil: 29. no, 26. matt: 26. she glances around and doesn't knowwhere it came from and is like (grunts). are you going to move, or are you going to stay where youare?

phil: stay where i am. stupid goblins. run!leave! matt: that ends your turn. snizzler, you're up,piglet, you're on deck. marisha: seeing where browntooth is, i'm like,he's got the right idea. i'm going to move up like to here. over one. yeah. throw another bomb at thecleric. yeah. matt: you lob it towards the cleric. go ahead androll for an attack. marisha: bombs! boom boom! that's not good atall! ivan: it scatters! marisha: oh, that's right, it does technicallyscatter. i'm going to let it scatter. matt: what'd you roll?

marisha: i rolled a four plus eight, so 12. matt: yeah, 12, that's going to miss. ivan: it lands right on grizznak, on hisunconscious corpse. matt: it's going to land right there. marisha: oh, perfect! matt: minimum damage on that is six. i need a reflexsave from piglet and from mezek. all right, that's six damage to all ofthem. ashly: it is 11. matt: you take six fire damage.

matt: you take three points. taliesin: i take zero because i have evasion. marisha: fire! i continue my movement towardsbrowntooth. ashly: i might go down, but i'm going to godown-- taliesin: you're as close to a tank as a goblincan be. ashly: that's true. matt: remember, your maximum hit points went up towhat your rage score is. ashly: oh, that's right! 44? matt: whatever it says.

ashly: yeah, 44. matt: as you're raging, your hit points are uphigher. ashly: that's right, so i'm not at 24 maximum hitpoints. matt: keep that in mind. all right. that endssnizzler's turn. you're up. ashly: there's no way i can take my hammer and hitmultiple people? no? matt: no, but because you're raging and you're inbase to base with them, you can attack and bite. ashly: okay. i'm going to attack flame dude. withmy normal attack. matt: go ahead and roll with your normal attack. ashly: 20 naturally, plus nine.

matt: natural 20? taliesin: golden snitch, motherfuckers! matt: roll again to see if you can confirmcritical. roll another d20. ivan: piglet mvp! ashly: 12 plus nine? matt: plus nine? that's a critical hit! what's thedamage multiplier on that? ashly: huh? matt: it should have a multiplier next to theweapon. ashly: times three.

matt: roll 3d10. ashly: 3d10?! matt: yes, plus six. 3d10 plus six damage. phil: are the zeroes tens? matt: yeah. ashly: oh, zeroes are tens? 21 plus six. 26. matt: how do you want to finish him off? becauseyou destroy him. so, the man who's on fire in front of you with his two weapons out. phil: that's the one you hit?

ashly: that's the guy. damn it, i wish i had gonefor the other one. matt: how do you want to finish him off? he's(heavy breathing). ashly: i want to knock his head off with thehammer and i want it to fall into the lap of his now grieving friend and spray blood all over them.the most adjacent friend. no, the bard. i hate the bard. matt: the bard? ashly: hit the bard in the head with his friend'shead. matt: you swing as the fighter goes to parry yourblow. your goblin rage gets you a faster speed than he ever expected. as he goes to swing it tothe side, the hammer comes straight across from

the direction he wasn't expecting, like anunintentional feint. his eyes goes wide for a second before the hammer (slams) and the head getscarried off of his shoulders. it spins backwards, and the bard, who's singing his song, looks up ashis friend's head towards him. falls onto his feet and goes (yells). makes a concentration. fails hisconcentration. i'll say the song ends, he has to start it again because he just saw his friend'shead land at his feet. he goes, "valero? you!" you can see there is a genuine horror and sadness inhis face. ashly: i go: yay! taliesin: you still have a bite attack! ashly: i still have a bite attack!

matt: yes, you do! ashly: who's by him? matt: this is the paladin right here. ashly: i'll bite the paladin. matt: go for it. roll for attack. taliesin: cleric's right there. ashly: is that a six or a nine? taliesin: that's a nine. ashly: that's a nine? okay, so 13?

matt: 13? oh, the paladin? yeah, it definitelymisses the paladin. her shield's too big. you go to bite her and she slams the shield out and youcatch metal instead. she pulls the shield away and you scrape tooth marks against the metal, which isimpressive for a goblin. she looks at you and goes, "you! you foul, terrible creature! you willpay for what you've done!" you see tears in her eyes. that ends your turn? ashly: i go: heh, loser. i'm going to stay there.maybe that's unwise, but i'm just going to stay there. matt: the bard is too angry to even consider-- no.no, he's too angry. he's not going to be able to do his bard performances this turn. he's toofraught with frustration.

he's going to cast sleep. marisha: oh, shit. matt: as part of the sleep spell, just to doublecheck what the saves are; i believe it's a will save. there we go, we got sleep. give me a second,guys. i need you to make a will saving throw. ashly: a will saving throw? okay. matt: you get plus two because you're raging. ashly: where is my--? taliesin: it's on the third square on the right. ashly: oh, i see. okay. 19.

matt: with that, you look over as the bard ends upsinging this incantation in a language you don't understand. you feel a wave of sudden sleepinesshit you. one of your eyes begins to sag, and then you (grunts) shake it off. foam forming at thecorner of your mouth. the bard goes (yelling). ashly: i go (blows raspberry). matt: unaffected by it. that ends his turn. thepaladin, friend is gone, cannot do anything yet, is going to angrily move this way to begin apincer movement and is going to power attack you. that is a natural 20. matt: see if it confirms. with a natural 18, i'mpretty sure that hits. that's times two on that. you take-- it's not too bad, you take 12 points ofdamage as the sword streaks down, cleaving off

part of your ear and ends up embedding in yourshoulder. you look over, grab the sword, and pull it out and throw her backward. she's caught offguard by how this tiny thing has so much might. that ends the paladin's turn there. we're going tobring us to the cleric. the cleric is going to see how rough this is, circumstantially. she islooking over at the bombing one. moves over here, turns to you and goes, "you will set nothing moreablaze, creature!" i need you to make a will saving throw. marisha: eh? what? natural one. again. ivan: you shouldn't even sit next to me. phil: your luck is rubbing off.

matt: as the hold person takes effect, your muscleslock up. as you're reaching for a bomb (grunting). you just can't move! you see a grin across thecleric's face. "that's what i thought." ending the cleric's turn. the fighter is gone. boom.grizznak, you're down to negative two. ivan: yeah, negative two. can i make aconstitution check to see if i can stabilize? matt: go ahead and make a fortitude save. ivan: fortitude save. oh! 20! matt: 20? i'll say, for the sake of this, youmanage to stabilize, you're no longer bleeding. you're good. that ending your turn. mezek, you'reup. taliesin: i'm going to run up to the cleric whojust paralyzed my friend. i'm going to run right

up to him. him, her, i don't actually know theright pronouns for the cleric. matt: you frog leap over the raging piglet, andland. taliesin: and i (yells) and i open palm into thethroat to use a stunning fist to try to silence her. matt: go for an attack. taliesin: that's a 15? matt: 15 hits! she doesn't have a huge armorclass. taliesin: i said fist, i'm doing fist. that's fivepoints of damage and needs to make a fortitude save. matt: which she rolls a five, she does not. taliesin: she is stunned for a round.

matt: yep. as you jump over, leap to the groundand then shoryuken-like upper fist to her chin. you see a tooth go flying and her helmet gets setoff. she pulls back. she drops the holy symbol in her hand, which now hangs from a chain, grabs ather head going (groaning) and is doubled over unable to gather her senses right now. ending yourturn there. browntooth, you're up. phil: crossbow attack at the paladin. matt: paladin? all right, go for it. roll theattack for that one. ashly: it's 14. taliesin: you could try to maybe reroll it with a song.you haven't used your song yet. matt: you haven't used your song yet, if youwanted.

ashly: maybe this'll be the first time that itgets a better roll. phil: yes, this is the one time. and my life'snot at stake. all right. i will sing my song. matt: what's your song? phil: (sings) when browntooth axe lifts up high, someoneis about to die! someone will bleed, lots will get bit, though i'd rather avoid direct conflict. i'mbrowntooth the rogue! matt: go ahead and reroll that as you steelyourself, locking in another bolt into the crossbow. ivan: songs are cursed! all of our songs arecursed! matt: (singing) goblin songs are cursed!

marisha: people hate goblin songs. phil: it's worse than k-pop. matt: i got you a sad trombone for you, there. ivan: yep. deserve it. phil: man. at least i didn't die. no offense. ivan: none taken. matt: as the crossbow bolt goes off somewhere intothe skyline, you're realizing perhaps the distance game isn't working for you. might need to get upclose and personal if you're going to land an attack here. are you going to stay where you are?

phil: is the church that way? matt: the church is up here. these are the stepsto the church. phil: i move over to the edge of the podium. matt: over here? phil: yeah. matt: roll to see if you can remain stealthed. matt: all right. ending your turn. brings it tosnizzler. you're locked in place. make a will saving throw to see if you can resist the effectof the hold person spell. marisha: just a straight will save?

marisha: three. taliesin: how is that even humanly--? matt: unable to shake the effect. you're stilllocked in place. hand on the bomb. you're looking down at it. you were about to light it and yourhand is hovering there and you're like (strains). taliesin: i cast methadone. matt: piglet, you're up. ashly: i'm going to rage. i'm going to attack thepaladin. matt: you can both hammer and bite.

ashly: i'm going to do both. ashly: 18 plus nine. matt: that hits. go ahead and roll the hammerdamage. marisha: roll that hammer damage! ashly: that is 12. matt: 12? ooh! as you bring up and slam the hammerdown, she pushes the shield up to block the blow, but the mallet catches over the top. the sheerweight of it pushes the shield away as it comes down and slams into the side of her chin. you cansee the jaw breaks from the impact. a little bit of blood begins to trickle out of the corner of hermouth. she's like (pained grunting). she spits a

glob of blood across her otherwise pristine silverarmor. phil: seriously, she's all about cliches. does shedo this? matt: roll for the bite attack. ashly: 18 plus four. matt: that also hits. go ahead and roll damage. ashly: a d3 plus three. matt: roll a d6, halve that, add three. ashly: four. matt: four points of damage. as she's reactingfrom that and spits the blood out, looks down, you

run up the side of her shield and bite into thechin you just broke and tear a chunk out of her face! she's like, (screaming) "who doesthat?!" ashly: piglet does, bitches! matt: that ends piglet's turn. the bard, whosespell has been less than active, and the wizard who spent his last term in absolute horror of hisfriend, regains his senses and is going to step up. ashly: oh, i forgot about the wizard. matt: yeah, the wizard hid off to the side andwatched his friend get beheaded and spent the turn looking in horror. the bard is going to attempt tocast sleep on you again. make another willpower save.

ashly: i'm raging, so it still applies, right? 18plus three. matt: 18 plus three. once again, shrug off theeffect. and he's like, "why won't you stay down, "stupid thing?!" he's pointing his finger,clutching his flute angrily in the other hand. nothing is affecting you. taliesin: red bull! matt: he's going to rush over to the side behindthe cleric now and be like, "can you heal me? "please!" he's running off to the side and askingfor a heal. the paladin is going to, as a reaction to you, furiously swing at you with the longsword.that is a 22 to hit. ashly: it hits.

matt: that hits. you take seven points of slashingdamage as the blade streaks down across you. you're still chewing the chunk of her face that'srunning around in your jaw, but the blade goes across the front of your torso, and leaves anopening that begins to spill dark, brackish, goblin blood. you don't even feel the pain. you'rein such a furious bloodlust right now. ashly: so, next round might be my last round,guys. phil: when we get down to two, i'm going to takeoff. ashly: i got 11 hit points left. matt: the wizard's going to step forward now. taliesin: this round might be your last round.

matt: going to go ahead and cast magic missile.one arcs off at you while you're held in place. marisha: oh, shit! matt: one's going to streak off and hit you.mezek, you take two points of force damage. snizzler, you take three points of force damage astwo missiles arc off and slam into the sides of you from the arcane nature of the spell. that endshis turn. the cleric can't do anything, is stunned this round. manages to shrug it off, but hasabsolutely no way of using any of her abilities because of the fist in the face she got frommezek. grizznak! ivan: (singing) i found a nest of baby birds. matt: finishing that. mezek, it's your turn.

taliesin: i'm going to use my flurry of blows, with myquarterstaff, and i'm going to use stunning fist, again. matt: your last? taliesin: yeah. matt: go for it! so you are doing two punches ortwo hits with your quarterstaff? taliesin: well, stunning first, is it fist orfirst? matt: stunning fist is as an attack; you can haveit be a stunning fist attack. taliesin: so i'm going to (punching sounds). i'mgoing to use the quarterstaff. matt: so roll for that, see if it hits. taliesin: for the stunning fist first; that's 20.

matt: 20, that hits. go ahead and roll damage onthat. rolls a seven. taliesin: that's six points of damage. matt: six points of damage and she is stunnedagain. quarterstaff clocks her upside the head, now causing the armor to bend in on her temple andone eye has gone a little cross-eyed from the impact. taliesin: so i'm going to hit her again. phil: who'd you hit? taliesin: the cleric. the cleric is unconscious.they can't do another round of anything. taliesin: hitting her again.

taliesin: that's 12. matt: 12 total bonus? taliesin: to hit. matt: she is currently flat-footed with the armorthat's still 14, so yeah. ashly: is it time? taliesin: it's time. reroll that. (singing) mezek, mezek thesongs he is keen, so pour a pint of beer for me or i'll punch you in the spleen ugh! ashly: come on, this is our only chance!

taliesin: yay! 19! matt: 19 hits, roll damage. taliesin: i'll use the flashy pink one. oh, that'sbetter! eight points of damage, boom! matt: eight points of damage, how do you want tofinish off the cleric? ashly: you did it! taliesin: quarterstaff one to the front and then ijust want the quarterstaff to find a chink in the armor and just watch the head cleave with juststick. a big melty, awful cleave. like, wood should not cleave. ashly: you should aim it at someone.

matt: so, after you slam her in the side of thehead, stunning her, she leans forward from the impact. you spin the staff in one hand and then doa golf swing up the side of the head. you hit at such a way that you cause the bent metal of thehelmet to act like a guillotine-like blade. with a (boomp) her head, up in the air, rolls on theground, the bard who came up to ask for healing, "heal me, heal me!" and the body slumps down onthe ground in front of him, and the head lands a second later. ivan: that's two heads for you! matt: and he rolls a one on his will save, he iscurrently horribly shaken by this experience and is having penalties from watching his two friendslose their head in the same battle.

taliesin: am i within quarterstaff contact of anyoneelse? matt: currently the bard, yeah. taliesin: i'm going to hit the bard. i'm going tospend my ki attack and hit the bard. marisha: about the time the adventuring partystarts rethinking their career choices. phil: ooh, it's flashing baby!! marisha: natural 20! matt: roll to confirm crit. marisha: come on, come on! big money, nowhammies! taliesin: 11.

matt: 11. i'll say with the penalties he hassuffered from watching his friends die, i'll say it just barely hits. ivan: taliesin is mvping this so hard. taliesin: 14 points of damage. straight stab. matt: how do you want to do this to the bard? taliesin: i want to go straight through the mouthall the way through the skull and i want to hold it there. matt: as he is screaming, the staff goes through,bursts out the back of the base of the spine where the brain connects and goes (gurgling). blooddribbling down the side of his mouth,

you hold him aloft. taliesin: music to my ears! (laughs) matt: what do you do with the corpse at the end ofthe staff? taliesin: i'm going to hold it for my next attackon the next round. matt: okay, he is currently now held limp againstyour staff just being held aloft by your weapon. ashly: oh my god. matt: absurd. taliesin: fuck yeah! phil: how many are left? paladin and wizard?

matt: there is the wizard and the paladin and theyare both looking around themselves and wondering how these goblins steamrolled their adventuringparty. phil: and i'm still stealthed right? so thiswould be sneak attack? matt: as far as you know, yes. phil: crossbow at the paladin. matt: crossbow to the paladin. go for it. phil: 19. matt: 19 hits. what is the critical range on thecrossbow? does it just say times something? phil: 19 to 20.

matt: so roll again to see if it crits. phil: 18! matt: go ahead and roll double damage on that.roll 2d6 plus sneak attack, so 4d6 damage total on this. all: oh my god. marisha: yeah, browntooth! ivan: grizznak was the goblin sacrifice tozarongel to make all of you succeed. taliesin: holy shit! matt: how do you want to finish the paladin? howdo you want to do this, phil? the paladin's back

is to you, bearing down on piglet now. bothbloodied and engaged in gladiatorial combat, this tiny goblin meat shield and this shielded piece ofhuman meat. phil: does the paladin have a helmet? matt: she does, yes. ashly: you could go for the hat trick ofdecapitation, if you wanted. it's really up to you. ivan: bard's dead, though, now. it wouldn't befunny unless you landed in the-- taliesin: still funny. phil: can i get to her ear?

matt: yeah! phil: in one ear, out the other. matt: as you aim carefully, you wait for her asthe blows trade back and forth between her and piglet. after the hit, she pulls back and spitsoff to the side and you can see the front of her face. as her head turns back, you use that momentto release and catch it right in the side of the helmet where the ear would be. the bolt out oneside and gets partially out the other. she stands there for a second before (thud) to the knees,face first on the ground in the mud. marisha: man, left side of the table today. tableright is just sucking it up. we don't need to be here, really.

matt: snizzler, make a will saving throw. marisha: even though she's dead, it doesn't justbreak? matt: you know what? the spell does break becausethe cleric's dead. you regain control of yourself. thank you for the reminder. marisha: good work, team left! yeah! good work,grizz, even though you're still unconscious. matt: there's one wizard that rushed out of thealleyway like, okay, i can do this! runs out and all of his friends are dead and his chin'squivering under his short, gray beard. it is your turn. marisha: where is he at?

matt: right there. marisha: i see the wizard and i take a step backonto the platform right behind me. i take out my goblin bomb launcher. phil: is that a thing?! taliesin: it is now! marisha: i go, all right! i arc it upwards and igo boof and aim for the wizard. phil: thankfully, he's far enough away that none of therest of us will catch fire. matt: a cross between a bazooka and a large eggshell. she jams the bomb into it. as it detonates, it sends out a wave of smoke and ash. it blowsapart and sets you on your feet from the impact of

the launcher. roll the attack, it doubles therange. that's just enough. matt: 18 does hit. his armor, with mage armor, of16. go ahead and roll damage on that. that's 2d6 plus three plus 1d4 because of your explosivefeat. marisha: six plus three plus two, so 11 damage. matt: 11 points of damage and he is on fire. as helooks over and is like, "my friends. what?!" (explosion) he's screaming on fire. phil: water balloon from hell. ivan: whee! matt: that's snizzler's turn. piglet, you're up.

ashly: wizard! i run. ivan: wizard! matt: leaping on top of the cart that is therebefore him. ashly: as expected, i rage. i'm going to do theskullbreaker on him. matt: go for it. leaping in the air. ashly: oh no! that was terrible! 11. matt: you go and swing with the hammer, andbecause the flames are hot in your face, you swing wide and end up smashing part of the cart instead.he looks at you through the fire going, "no!" taliesin: can you take a bite?

ashly: no. matt: you have to be right up close to do that.that finishes your turn, piglet. everyone else is dead. the wizard is in the flames going, "no!" andput out his hands like this and a gout of fire like a flamethrower bursts from the arcaneenergies. go ahead and roll d6 fire damage, by the way. marisha: burn, wizard, burn! another point ofdamage. ashly: man, that's going to be a bummer way to goout after i missed a hammer attack. matt: go ahead and make a reflex save, if youcould. taliesin: plus your reflex save?

ashly: yeah. matt: you take six points of fire damage. ashly: i'm still alive! matt: through the flames, more flames come. youburn, the cinders. what little bit of hair may have existed on you is gone. you are a charred, black mass ofcracked goblin flesh and anger. you're enjoying being on the edge of death. that ends his turn. noone else is alive. you. ivan: hi. i found the bird's nest! matt: mezek, you're up. taliesin: i want to see if i can get enough of apull to remove the head of the bard from the body

and fling it as a projectile attack at thewizard. matt: you're horrible! taliesin: i'm the worst person you know! matt: you can use that. we're going to considerthis an improvised ranged weapon. go ahead and roll an attack with your dexterity bonus as opposedto your strength bonus. with a minus four, because you're not proficient in ranged improvisedweapons. just melee ones. taliesin: that'll work. matt: what's your dex modifier? matt: roll a d20 and add three to it.

taliesin: add three? matt: just your attack bonus. phil: he's just making shit up! matt: 14 unfortunately misses. you look throughthe flames, he goes (heavy panting) and looks over as the bard head careens towards him and ricochetsoff his arcane armor. he goes (screaming). taliesin: i'm running straight towards him. matt: your monk speed, you get right next to him.he's being surrounded now. browntooth. phil: i can't reach him, can i? can i shoot him? ashly: everyone else is dead, so you can getcloser.

phil: oh, that's true. matt: you can move this way. phil: i'll move up to the wizard. matt: you can get there and see him off to theside. taliesin: he's flanked, also. ivan: why didn't you run, wizard? phil: am i flanking him? matt: roll a stealth to see if he sees you. hedoes not. he is so distracted with all his dead friends and being on fire, there's no way he canbeat your stealth score with a six he rolled.

matt: yeah, you're fine. go ahead and roll anattack. ivan: watch as phil finishes off the finalcharacter for the night. matt: 16 just hits! go ahead and roll. that is hisac with mage armor. go ahead and roll 3d6. phil: 13. matt: 13. how do you want to do this? ashly: wow! matt: on fire, looking aghast at the heroes slainaround him. phil: nose? ivan: nose.

taliesin: nose is good, we haven't done that. phil: right through his nose. up the nose, intothe brain. matt: he's over there and he's like (heavybreathing). as he looks over, up to the sky, for the first time in his entire existence becoming areligious man. at the cathedral. the flames behind the cathedral from the mounting goblin hordes thatare descending upon this square. he goes, "why?" as the bolt strikes him right in the center. hiseyes go wide and, slo-mo, (thud). the flames (sizzling) consuming the rest of his body on theground. marisha: whoa! that was rad! rad! matt: you guys can now hear the screams in thedistance still growing louder. you can barely see

the shadows of the seven-tooth goblin horde comingdown the mountain, coming through the alleyway here. taliesin: back to the sewers! phil: now can we go?! marisha: hang on. snizzler walks over and pours acure light wounds down. ivan: you had one this entire time? marisha: just one. taliesin: power was with her all along. matt: you gain five hit points.

ivan: hey, guys. did we win? oh! phil: thanks for your help! marisha: dude, you were unconscious. it was socool. ivan: did anyone die in a really cool and veryglorifying way? marisha: yeah, you did, man! it was awesome. ivan: well, shit! marisha: yeah! all right, let's go. ashly: we run. ivan: also, before i leave, goblin dickbutt,goblin dickbutt.

matt: every corpse is marked appropriatelywith your victory token of the goblin dickbutt. marisha: as they go down into the sewer, i'm goingto be the last one and i'm going to take my last bomb launcher. i'm going to aim for the church. taliesin: i'm so proud of you. ivan: that's the best! matt: (laughing) roll an attack! marisha: in the sushi again! ooh! 21. matt: (explosion) you see an explosion as flamesbegin to burn up on the long tapestries that hang in the front of the temple. inside, you see twopeople that were hiding in the temple from the

goblin hordes come running out on fire just as thegoblin hordes round the corner and go (screaming) and rush and start striking them down, stabbingthem repeatedly with their blades. the rest of the temple begins to catch flames as it licks out thesides of the now-shattering stained glass. you nod your head proudly before you dart back into the sewerafter your friends. marisha: grizz. ivan: what's this? marisha: this is my art. phil: (singing) amazing grace. taliesin: (singing) how sweet the sound!

ivan: i'm so proud of you. marisha: thank you, man. it's beautiful. matt: you guys your way out of what remains of thetown of sandpoint. heroes left scattered across the center of the festival grounds. make your wayall the way back to your home. phil: all right, now i'm glad i didn't run away. ashly: aren't you? that was pretty sick. matt: you head past to the west side of thedevil's platter mountains to the home of where your-- phil: old guffeye.

matt: yep. where old guffeye is. you head backinto her cavernous abode. she sits there waiting. there's a smell of extremely nasty boiling liquid.she spins around. "you! you've returned! and do you "bring me the promised stone?" ashly: well, i helped a lot! but-- phil: i brought the stone! matt: "give me it. give it to me." phil: i hand to her. matt: she takes the stone. "yes!" the lady'sblessing upon you all. she spins around, drops the stone in the pot and begins stirring it. "stonesoup for meal tonight! flavored well with victory.

"you've earned a fine meal, my goblins!" matt: as she pours you all your evening's meal ofboom-boom stone soup, you recount the tales of the horrible slaughter that befell those who walked inyour path. you realize you managed to bring back a trench coat as part of your victory prize. phil: stir in a little bit of dried meat with it. ivan: we throw it on top of our trophy pile. taliesin: and an empty snuff box tin. marisha: and some poo and some bottles for molotovcocktails. matt: a masterful bounty you've collected thisevening.

ivan: i cast grease on all of us. marisha: slip'n'slide! matt: freeze frame credit roll. (singing) anywayyou want, that's the way you need it. and that is your game tonight, your one-shot pathfinder game.big thank you, once again, to paizo and to syrinscape for helping us put this together, forbringing the prizes for our fantastic audience. thank you all for watching this wondrously chaoticgoblin spree that transpired. big round of applause for our players this evening. you didamazing. phil: pure, unadulterated id. ivan: seriously, #teamleftside. for all of thedeaths you dished out.

matt: we're rolling for the grand prize winnerright now. while they're doing that, i don't know if you're aware, but you systematically slaughteredthe iconic heroes of the pathfinder universe. ashly: that's their actual stats and everything? marisha: the ones that are always in the books? matt: in the books, yeah! ashly: that's amazing! matt: the actual pathfinder iconic characters! marisha: we killed pathfinder! ashly: yay! we murdered it!

marisha: these people, yeah! taliesin: i was prepared to go down in a blaze ofglory. ashly: yeah, me too! i thought we were allgoing to die. matt: for those who weren't aware, the attack onsandpoint is actually the very first encounter adventure in the rise of the runelords campaign setting andadventure guide for pathfinder. you guys played the other half of that battle. what's normally thefirst fight for the heroes, they got slaughtered by five goblins. ashly: so this merry band of people came together,are like, "we're going adventuring!" their first day out, they fight a group of goblins thatbeheaded all of them.

ivan: in an alternate dimension, we tpked anotherpathfinder game. taliesin: congratulations, we are the darkesttimeline. marisha: somewhere, there's a whole new set ofgamers being like, "this rpg shit's bullshit. i "died at level two. it was stupid. i'm over it." matt: well done, guys. ivan: thank you, matt! ashly: thank you, matt! amazing! phil: i felt like i was in another world! marisha: so they get these cool little goblinthings, and this cool stuffies?

ivan: there's a lot that's in the big package.it's all books, and all stuff. matt: all these little goblin things are availableon the paizo store, guys. the banks look awesome. ivan: the banks are cool. matt: it's good desk accessories. ivan: as a sidebar statement, i would like to saythat even though 17k and ivan breathes fire, i don't know if we hit 17k or not. oh, we did? thisis not fortuitous. i will not actually light myself on fire. taliesin: have you actually ever breathed firebefore? ivan: yeah! i do it a lot, but i'm not going tosneeze fire and then light myself on fire.

phil: sneezing fire is different than breathingfire. taliesin: sneezing fire would blow my mind. i'venever seen that before. ivan: different orifices. matt: this is ivan breathing it, not grizznak. phil: grizznak really is lucky to be alive. heliterally died three times. ivan: i actually was hoping that you guys wouldleave me there. marisha: i debated. i was like, i'm chaotic evil.technically, i wouldn't. well, you're my homie, it's fine. phil: if we had to carry you? no.

ivan: if you carried me, i would have expected youto throw me in the stew to have for the rest of the evening with the boom-boom stone. matt: oh my god, that was delightfully ridiculous.well done, guys. phil: whose dice are these? marisha: we got a winner? matt: pacmanwakkawakka. grand prize winner. you'regoing to get a fantastic care package courtesy of paizo that involves pathfinder core rulebook,monster codex, inner sea races book, burnt offerings book, we be goblins, the goblin promofigure, the challenge square flip mat, which you got to see right here, goblin bank, plush, and aone-year subscription to syrinscape. that is

fantastic, congratulations! marisha: and a one-year subscription tosyrinscape? marisha: that was some good music. i really likedthe drum one. the tribal one. matt: great music tracks. you can customize yourown tracks. ivan: the sewers were great. marisha: the screaming people were great. matt: there was a bar brawl in case you guys useda bar brawl as a way to get through. here's the tavern brawl. go ahead and hit that there. ivan: awesome.

matt: dudes beating the crap out of each other.you can put in glass shattering punches. ivan: syrinscape also has not just a fantasydivision, but they also have an entire sci-fi catalogue, too. i know we used it a bunch on thetmnt. matt: for the record. (wilhelm scream) taliesin: oh my god, they have a wilhelm! matt: wilhelm is on the sound list there. you havea dragon if you want to use it. it's the best bar brawl ever. sad trombone, which we got to useearlier. ivan: all things you want while your players aredoing stupid things.

matt: it's really cool stuff. if you have spells,like a fire spell, which you didn't get to hear over the music when you burst into flame lasttime. marisha: did you do it, though? taliesin: this, by the way, is what an evening atmatt mercer's house is like. he's sitting going, "look at this!" (trombone) matt: i make the sounds happen! taliesin: this was sunday evening, pretty much.add youtube and that's pretty much it. marisha: yeah, we don't do a lot when we have theopportunity. ivan: it was a pleasure being unconscious for mostof the battle. thank you.

marisha: you did so much early on. phil: you tried to talk us out of our mission. ivan: i did so enjoy all of the wayward things. phil: that's not it! taliesin: just think, you might have lived if youhadn't taken that bramble damage. i just want you to live with that. sleep like a baby tonight. i wantyou to sleep like a baby. ivan: that's going to keep me awake, you asshole. taliesin: you're welcome. ivan: you know what? suck it.

taliesin: live with it. phil: how much ass would we have kicked if anyof the songs had worked? taliesin: i got the one. matt: you got one. ashly: thank god. that would have been reallydepressing if none of the songs worked. taliesin: i roll really well. marisha: we all sang our song once. matt: everyone got to sing their song once, whichis cool. taliesin: i wrote mine on my lunch break today.

matt: you guys were awesome. thank you guys somuch for watching. thank you guys for playing. you guys should come thursday at 7:00pm to see the50th episode of critical role. taliesin: it's going to be crazy. ivan: feel free to stick around next monday. matt: every monday! phil: every monday in the week? ivan: every monday, and it sucks because i won'tbe there next week because of tabletop and for the next three weeks, but you'll see we'll be playingkick ass and chew bubblegum next week. it's a fun little one-off. you have two actions. you caneither chew bubblegum or you can kick ass.

marisha: that's fantastic. ivan: if you ever run out of bubblegum, you canonly kick ass. marisha: what happens if you run out of kickingass? ivan: you can't ever run out of kicking ass. phil: there's always ass to kick. but bubblegumis finite. ivan: if you ever want to explore the weird andwacky rpgs and explore small campaigns, not unlike this scenario in little chunks, tune in monday. matt: you should run a hole game sometimes. ivan: what's that? hole's on my list.

taliesin: i love hole. matt: he got me the hole books for my birthday acouple years ago. and all the expansions. ivan: we also want to play tune. do you knowtune? taliesin: i don't know tune. matt: you don't know tune? taliesin: oh, tune! yes. ivan: tune's basically saturday morning cartoonshow, the role-playing game. taliesin: i've been trying to dig up tofos foryou, too. marisha: like who framed roger rabbit, the rpg?

ivan: basically. ashly: that sounds really cool. ivan: there's a lot of really fun systems outthere. a lot of them don't get a lot of attention because they're either independently published orwhatever, but we find them and have a good time with them. matt: that's what no survivors is about. ivan: it's called no survivors because characterscan die and it's okay. anyway. thank you, matt. matt: thank you, guys. no survivors, every mondayhere, 7:00pm, critical role every thursday at 7:00pm. thank you guys so much for coming. have awonderful night, and we'll see you thursday. bye!

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